Michele Bachmann’s Greatest Hits, Translated


michele-bachmann-nuts

 

 

In Chinese and back to English… in her honor

 

 

I do not know how much God politicians attention. We have earthquakes, we have a hurricane. He said, “You have to start listening to me here?” Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring. They know that the government is sitting on a morbid obesity diet, we’ve got to control expenditure.

 

 

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My mother last night after the debate in Tampa, Florida, I will tell you. She told me that her little daughter, vaccine, that injection, she suffers from mental retardation.

 

 

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I do not know what it is, the swine flu outbreak, and then another Democratic President Jimmy Carter in the 1970s. I am not accusing President Obama, I just think this is an interesting coincidence.

 

 

michele-bachmann-nutsmichele-bachmann-nuts

 

 

I am very concerned about the international moves they’re doing, in particular, … moving from the U.S. dollar and the currencies in the world, such as Russia and China call for building.

 

 

michele-bachmann-nutsmichele-bachmann-nutsmichele-bachmann-nuts

 

 

What a strange era, when the judge will say to little children, you can not say oath of allegiance, but you must understand that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.

 

 

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There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.

 

 

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Standardization [homosexuality] through desensitization. To do this is a very effective method is a bunch of sophomores, for example, a teacher might say, “You know the gay music written for the movie:” My Pictures “The Lion King” Well, I do so because I’m gay.

 

 

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The carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But no study showed that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas, can be produced

 

 

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A woman (Terri Schiavo) is healthy. Brain damage, there is no problem. However, from the health point of view, she was not terminally ill.

 

 

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Know this is terrible, in the African-American community, 50% of African-Americans in the United States end in abortion, pregnancy 50%. This is a genocide of African Americans in the United States. It should not be. Americans in this country, who are willing to take the African-American babies, but they can not because 50 percent of all African-American pregnancies end in abortion today.

 

 

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If we look at the history of the United States, between 1942 and 1947, the data collected by the Census Bureau was handed over the FBI and other organizations at the request of President Roosevelt, and how Japan is rounded up andput into detention camps. I am not saying that this is the intention of the Administration to do so, but I would say that private personal information to the Census Bureau in 1940 to be used against Americans round up, a violation of their constitutional rights, and Japan detention camps

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

zicYK

Deranged Maryland sorrority girl email rant, translated..


into Korean and back into English via Google Translate. Why? Because I can.

 

 

Opened to tie yourself to the chair you’re sitting under, because you just fucking ride via This e-mail will be told you. Case

Obviously this chapter, most people trapped under the rock your head Night events, and Sigma Nu in terms of social interaction, we were fucking. I brought the text for the text to eat LITERALLY people and too awkward and boring fucking fucking. You to read right now, you fucking punch yourself in the face right now do not say to yourself “But they like Julia, I this week with my sister too was fun!” If you can do it yourself in campus can be found.

Does Sigma Nu sister does not provide a flying fuck how much you love to talk to you, not flying fucking sex. Sisters Kanji 1 year 361 days out of the week, I’m one of them is not fucking do not repeat. Confrontation we’re standing around talking to each other, to foster a relationship of Greek society for the week, it’s not fucking possible. You stupid dick Newsflash: FRATS do not like boring women’s organizations. Newsflash Double Oh FUCKING wait. SIGMA NU we SUCK, you stupid, and damn, the SO FAR SUCK But if you need to spell it out for you, if you fucking do not want to hang out, and the United States is about the post-game in front of the other fraternity brothers SIGMA NU that you talk openly joke.

 

 

the Unites States is about the post game

 

You’re retarded? Literally it’s not a rhetorical question, in other words, if the Night event, do not move you anymore, so I mentally degradation email me, I would like to send. “Yeah, we’re invited Zeta” publicly the Sigma Nu, you happy? Would you like to you? FUCK YOU to them and why you do not do not know? In front of THEM! The other frats than in the case, your brother, your boyfriend, it must be post-game I do not care, college students, or the entire family. You do not go. You. Do not do it. GO. And you do not hurt another woman persuaded to leave with you, especially.

“But Julia, I read this e-mail” when you say “a little harder on your computer screen with a bad voice in all sports, something does not compute to our team did you cheer?” No stupid ass hat, IT does not nourish. Why are you fucking know? It does not count because I’ve been fucking at the event of too sober FUCKING.

 

Too sober fucking

 

(For example, things such as the presence of the stupid shit saying “DURR kickball?” A fucking WEIRD for text is not fucking fun) Sports’ve gotten, as well as people I but I’m opposed for people to The team actually been rooting for text. The opposite. What the hell. Team. Are you stupid? I do not care about sportsmanship, you fucking rooting for our sports games have never been the other one, you do not? Are you BLIND? Or density, damn you

 

Density, damn you

 

to be a sponsor of Greek society against our just trying to create a happy people like you who think about what it means to you? Well it’s time someone like nobody fucking our FUCKING MATCHUP, you did not say. I fucking cunt punt to the next person I hear such a thing, you Sor me if I FUCKING assault does not matter.

“Oh Julia, Oh so email me so sad because I was crying now.” So good. This e-mail if you night and day do weird shit weird shit in the corner, some asshole, that apply to you in any way, this message is for you:

 

me so sad

 
I do not go to the events of today.

I’m not a joke. Do not move. You not doing anything that I mentioned in the email, you can do these things, seriously, if this is a rare disease in this chapter, HORRIBLE, I repeat HORRIBLE PR. 40 girls rather interesting to talk to the boy, and is a son of a bitch I is not fucking awkward at least 80. You rot “nooo, I’m too serious, tell the boy,” If there is one man who told me, then I pity you because you have in your life so far, and do not know how you like our It does not display for the chapter, and do not try to stop a fucking cock block, fuck. Sincerely. I look at today’s event a fucking mistake, I fucking swear, you’re awake, even if to tell you to leave. I’m not kidding. Look at me.

 

 

 

To people who offend in this email, I will apologize, but I really do not care. Get out.

More Bro-Wisdom from the Bro-Bible


In a recent post, I detailed how the Bros at BroBible.com wanted to prepare you for sex with a woman as if such an act was analogous to wrestling with hungry alligators. While it was surely sage advice, the same audience of shut-ins with severe brain trauma apparently need more advice, so there’s a write-in column. Sort of like Dear Abby for retards. Let’s have a look, shall we?

 

 

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From the April 30,2013 edition:

 

Q: I need a male perspective to solve a debate between my friend and I (we’re both girls).

She claims that given the choice between a loud, boisterous, sexy chick who loves to drink and fuck and is fantastic at both and will let their man go completely wild, but can sometimes be sloppy, bitchy, skanky, and generally not classy and gross, or a calm, elegant, mature, classy, wifely, sandwich-making, girl-next door who will always support them, but is a total prude who hates sex, sucks in bed, and will rarely let them touch her, any bro would go for the latter because she’s “marriage material” and more “worthy” of staying with, because she’s “better” for him.

I say they’d think with their dicks and go for the slutty one who’s more likely to fuck ‘em.

Who’s right?

 

I do like how right off the bat the Bros throw us for a curveball and publish a question conjured up by the combined intellect of two (supposed) women. Now let me first explain that what saves me from giving up and praying for Armageddon is the assumption that this site is satire, or semi-serious, but fake. It’s just not feasible that real people think, let alone say shit like this in real life.

Assuming for a second the “question” is legit, which it isn’t, these women, and ostensibly, the men they are trying to attract, see the world in a simple dichotomous prism; wherein women are either wild, raunchy, whorishly-dressed nymphomaniacs or, if even outwardly demure, wear chastity belts and pray for lifelong abstinence.

This notion is so incredibly stupid, naive, and insulting, it’s a wonder the internet itself doesn’t become self-aware and refuse to allow this page to exist. Yet here it stands, and I hate myself a bit for supplying it with a web hit.

Anyway.. onto the given “advice” for these fine ladies’ query:

 

A: Well, shit. You’re both right. Kind of. 

I don’t care what anyone says, dudes love chicks with overflowing cleavage, defunct morals, painted on dresses, 17-inch heels and a vegetable drawer full of stinky cucumbers at home. If we didn’t, porn would look a fuckload different, wouldn’t it? Hell, I can’t remember the last time I fapped it to some wholesome-looking girl because that last time never happened. 

/remembers to clear browser history 

The thing is, though, when you peel back the layers of makeup and filth OR you sober up, the vast majority of these “leave nothing to the imagination” type chicks are abominable. Sure, she is still perfect in that she is turned on by your audible farts, but this is certainly not the kind of broad you would want to be seen with in daylight.

So while we want the dirty, sexy girls, we don’t necessarily want to wake up next to them for the rest of our lives. And since you’ve given me no middle-ground option to choose from in this wildly lopsided scenario you provided, then I think a majority of us, who aren’t bikers, rappers, or greased-up Guidos would choose the classy prude. At least with them, you can be seen in public.

 

See, this is where the site rides a fine line.. If it is satire, then it’s actually kinda funny. But if it isn’t, I’m going to kill myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At least during the last part the advice-giver acknowledges these women have given no middle ground where actual human beings exist, but goes on to advise that most “Bros” would choose “the prude,” while throwing in some racial epithets for good measure.

 

Next Question:

 

Q: A good friend of mine asked if she can used my computer to check her email in class. When I got home I noticed that she left her email open. After a quick glance I found a few sex videos and nudes pictures of her. Which I downloaded and saved.

She is a hard 10 and everyone in this city is over her like crazy, and to make matters better she is on the verge of becoming a cheerleader for an NFL team.

Should I share the pictures with all the bros? Keep em for personal enjoyment? Or sell them?

 

I don’t know about you, but I just hate it when my female NFL Cheerleader friends use my computer and forget to log out of their email, leaving me to access all of their self-shot porn videos and whatnot. Don’t they realize how much browser cache space that takes up on my disk? So.. advice? Violate my “friend’s” privacy and sell her personal videos for profit, or just furiously maturate to them?

 

A: Well, most fantastic friend earth has ever seen, since you seem deserving let me see if I can help you out.

Your opener was basically, “A good friend of mine needed a favor so naturally I helped her out. NO BIG DEAL. I’m a great guy like that,” which no longer seems sincere after you closed by telling us you took her property and you’re thinking about parlaying that theft into personal profit. Not to mention all the jerking off you’ve probably done to her videos between now and the time you actually stole them.

Best friend ever? You’re running unopposed if you ask me.

In any event, I don’t moonlight at fucking Legal Zoom, so I have no idea if anything you’ve already done, or intend to do, is illegal. And although she left it open on your computer, the law might see jacking her files as theft. For Christ’s sake, people find lost iPhones these days, decide to keep them as their own, and get accused of stealing. Like it’s their fault some guy left it sitting on the toilet paper dispenser during his shit break.

If I were you (see: a used condom) I’d look into the legality of what I’ve already done before I do anything else. I’d also think about what leaking these sex-vids would do to this so-called friend of yours. Just because she won’t fuck you (I mean, if she would, you wouldn’t even be considering any of this) doesn’t give you carte blanche to ruin her life.

 

Well I’ll be damned, some advice that sounds like it wasn’t penned by someone who’s criminally insane. Just a troll job? A little nugget to make the reader believe the act a bit? Doesn’t really matter, because the advice to someone who if they exist is clearly criminally insane will fall on deaf (and insane) ears.

 

Neeeeeeeeext:

 

Q: I’ve been going through a classic rock phase recently and have stumbled across Fleetwood Mac. Now in my opinion they’re a great band, but I’ve made deeper cuts into Stevie Nicks solo career. Is it bro to rock out to a female rock star or should I stick to my guns of Fleetwood Mac as a whole?

 

Hmm.. curious one. I guess what this guy was expecting to hear may have been something like:

 

“Oh my fucking god are you serious, queer-boy? I’m actually surprised you managed to write an email with that many cocks in your mouth. Stevie Nicks Solo??? Tell you what.. Go down to the thrift shop and buy a dress, shave your legs, and head downtown to find the gay bars. Triumphantly kick open the door and announced you’ve come out, and have 20-something years of lost cock-swallowing to catch up on. Oh, and also, YOU’RE GAY!! Fucking Stevie Nicks.. Jesus Cunt-smashing Christ..”

 

What he actually said was:

 

A: Fuck it, Bro. If Stevie Nicks sends good vibes into your dickhole and her lyrical styling cuts deep in to your soul, roll with it. Thunder only happens when it’s raining, ya heard?

 

Ok, well my fantasy answer was actually quite a bit more coherent than whatever language that was. Also, in all seriousness, solo Stevie Nicks? Yea dude, you’re probably gay.

Fear not, Republicans are here to protect you..


So, it’s been a while. But, well, fuck it. You don’t really care why and I don’t care to waste time explaining, so who cares when my last blog post was.

so anyway..

 

If there’s one consistent theme with Republicans, it’s that they hate the idea of  “The Nanny State.” Of course, to them, that means corporate handouts and tax breaks for super rich guys and corporations are cool, but enough hand-outs to those god damn drug-using lazy, good-for-nothing poors.

But let’s pretend for a second this Nanny State thing was actually, well, a thing. A real principle that Republicans actually didn’t like and wanted to stop. If that was the case why are they busy chasing boogey men to protect us all the time? I mean, this is a party that’s real big on memes like “freedom,” “stopping government waste,” “not wasting time legislating non-existent problems,” and “smaller government.” Ok.. well if that were all true, why are they always trying to protect the American people from scary, dangerous things like..

LOWERING CARBON EMISSIONS

Yup, despite the mountain of evidence from an overwhelming plurality of climate scientists that this shit is real, and we’re like totally fucked, Republicans are still fighting this tooth-and-nail, all the damn time. But the questions is.. well , why? Would it really be a terrible thing to become less reliant on petroleum, this reliance being the centerpiece for countless wars and decades of terror and violence over the power struggle for Middle East Oil?

Well, Republicans say yes, because things like Cap and Trade could hurt the economy. In the scope of how completely fucked we will be by not doing anything, this logic is kind of like refusing to open the emergency door of a sinking airplane because you might sprain your wrist. But since the issue has become political, and political hacks have come to hate their political rivals so much they will actually try to fuck themselves and the environment purely out of spite, 97% of climate scientists sounding a warning while 3% of shittier climate scientists aren’t so sure is still somehow a “debate” in this country.

Of course we know the real reason. The Oil Lobby pays a little bet better than the Climate Change one. But, let’s just assume for the time being that our freedom-loving Nanny State-loathing GOP Congressmen are merely protecting us from the evils of stopping Climate Change.

They also need to protect us from..

COMMIES!!

So yea, Communism is still a thing, kinda.. The last dying breaths of the Castro regime are still trying to make it work in Cuba. The Chinese are still kinda… Communist, if by Communist you mean having the fastest growing economy on the goddamn planet. Vietnam and North Korea are still Communist, with the latter convincing some very stupid Americans that they actually have the capacity to wage any kind of successful war on the U.S.

Although the Cold War-era fear that an attempted worldwide Commie takeover attempt was inevitable seems more dated than an episode of Kojak, that hasn’t stopped some Republicans from going all retro vintage hipster on us with some good ol-fashioned Red Scare tactics. And, like hipsters donning Vans and acid wash jeans, it’s obnoxious and stupid.

Our look is like… so fresh and unique

 

Not sure if the Nouveau-McCarthy thing is a fad or here to stay, but it would surely get some mileage with my grandparents, if they were still alive. In any event, thank you good Republicans, for keeping us safe from Stalin’s ghost and the coming army of Vladimir Putin clones cavalry..

 

Which brings us to the biggest, scariest, most unholy boogeyman of  them all… that Republicans need to bravely protect us from..

 

 

 

 

TEH GAYS!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes, there is nothing scarier than the idea of gay people actually being allowed to live their lives with the same freedoms from prejudice and bigotry that us straight people take for granted. Things like… being able to take someone you like on a date.. possibly holding hands with that person, or god forbid actually kissing them on the lips where someone else might see, and oh lord protect us, getting married. When those uppity gays have the nerve to want to do those things that everyone else does without the fear of getting their teeth kicked in, those brave Republicans step to the plate to save us from the horror.

If I were a small child, or extremely juvenile and/or a closeted homosexual myself, these quotes from Republican politicians would probably have me hiding in fear of the reign of terror teh gays were trying to unleash upon me and the rest of the nation..

 

 

“If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does.” – Rick Santorum

“If you’re involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it’s bondage. It is personal bondage, personal despair and personal enslavement.” – Michele Bachman

“Homosexuals account for half the murders in large cities” – an article posted (not penned by) Dave Agema

“That would be like saying, well there’s there are a lot of people who like to use drugs so let’s go ahead and accommodate those who want to use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, should we accommodate them?” – Mike Huckabee, on civil rights for homosexuals

 

 

Well, shit. It’s no wonder we need protection from this bunch of sadistic, hedonistic animals that totally want to put us in bondage (the bad kind), be polygamist drug users having incest, screw our wives, and then fucking murder us! It’s not really being the Nanny-state nanny when you’re just trying to save fucking children from a god damn cult of murdering psychotic drug-using uncle-fuckers. That’s just common decency. Thank you Republicans. Thank you for fighting the good fight.

The South is a caricature of itself..


trosen76:

A pretty good one.. and since it was just Earth Day.. figured I’d recycle..

Originally posted on travistation:

Ok, so I’ll admit this. Public Policy Polling’s weekend polls that were ostensibly to give us insight on the GOP Primary race in Alabama and Mississippi, also worked in some questions that seemed to serve no other purpose than to let these states humiliate themselves, and humiliate they did. Let’s cut the pretense and go right to the #s, shall we?

In the great state of Alabama:

14% of respondents think Obama’s a Christian

45% think he’s a Muslim

41% “aren’t sure”

That’s a cool 89% of Alabamans who feel the President is just flat out lying about his religion. I would have loved to see some follow up questions as to “why.”

But wait, there’s more…Also in Sweet Home Alabama..

26% of respondents believe in evolution

60% do not

Now these #s really shouldn’t shock me. They don’t. I’m from Miami. Miami is sort of like West Berlin circa…

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5 pieces of sex advice from violent lunatic virgins


So evidently there is a website called BroBible.com. As the name suggests, it’s a site for dudes, dude. Good, wholesome, American dudes who love pounding hot babes, then high-fiving about it. And they have a featured page called 5 Exercises That Will Make You Better at Having Sex. It reads as if written by the result of a mad scientist’s experiment to cross-breed a frat boy with a homicidal gorilla. That, or it’s copied and pasted from a Star Trek fan-fic Klingon sex tips guide. Either way, clearly written by someone or something that won’t be having actual (consensual) sex with an actual woman anytime soon.

According to the dudes at BroBible.com, sex with a woman is something akin to Gladiatorial combat or Navy Seal training. You better be fucking prepared, or you will come out a mangled, bloody corpse. The site itself is painfully rife with horrific pointers on how to be a pathetic one-dimensional made-for-TV archetype or professional misogynist, whichever comes first.

 

method actor

 

The title of the column seems standard enough for the internet, until you start reading and soaking in the premise. Again, this isn’t a sex tips page for people who don’t belong in a straight jacket, or might actually have sex with a woman one day, like tricks to keep from premature ejaculation or the elusive G-spot hunt. The 5 pro-tips range from the laugh out loud asinine to the frighteningly psychopathic.  This page is literally a series exercises you do at the gym to help you fuck, finger, and tongue thrust considerably more violently then actual people do these things. It’s laid out in a way one might read tips on how to hit harder as a linebacker, or finally max out your bench-press.

I’ve never existed in a world where a woman’s body was treated as if a beast to be conquered, or laborious physical trial to be overcome with brute strength. I guess in the eyes of those who exist in the BroBible.com world, that makes me an incredibly manly stud machine for not needing their sex training regiment, or a girly quasi-gay homo wuss for not wanting it.

 

This is the headline picture for the article, displaying the enemy.. doing her own preparation to murder you with her vagina

 

I’ll go through each of the 5 “steps,” and give you some highlights from each one, along with the picture they included for each section. Buckle up cowboy, we’re headed for some ab-burnin’, pec-torchin’, glute-bustin’ mayhem.. all in the name of brutally punishing the woman you love.. with your cock.

 

st1

 

Ok.. right away there are lots of red flags. First off, maybe while in the locker room we’ve overheard stories about a girl that required some measure of “glute activation” and “injury reduction” training. In real life, unless you’re morbidly obese or incredibly weak and uncoordinated enough to be considered physically handicapped, you shouldn’t need a complicated exercise routine to be prepared to have a girl sit on your dick. If you are any of those aforementioned things, I’d think the least of your concerns would be your ability to satisfy all the Kate Upton-like women who are lining up to go “cowgirl” on you.

Secondly, the actual exercise is designed to tighten your sweet ass, cowboy. (Gluteus Maximus, in case you were confused what part of the anatomy that was) Remember, this a dude website about dude things… for having sex with… girls… right?

 

Should I be concerned with having burgundy-colored semen?

 

st2

Ah.. well at least this one makes a little sense. Ok, no, not really. But it does, as its standard bearer, openly idolize perhaps the most famous modern serial womanizing, philandering, misogynistic asshole of our time, AHHHHHNOLD! Maybe they didn’t even think of that when they stuck his picture in this section and used him as an example. Maybe it’s just convenient that he pumps lots of fucking iron too.

So this is a key exercise to do if you think sex = porn. And even in most porn, the actors usually don’t bother venturing outside a standard bed or couch, or lifting girls up like toys to engage in coitus. (trust me, I’ve watched a lil’ porn here n’ there) Also, the old “standing muffdive,” even if as the article suggests you might be able to accomplish with months of difficult weight training so as to not break your spine or drop your girlfriend on her fucking head, doesn’t sound particularly comfortable for either party, even if you are able to execute it.

If we pretend the readers and writers of this site have ever actually known the touch of a living, breathing woman,  I doubt they’ve actually been in a relationship with one that lasted longer than the number of minutes the hotel was rented for. But let me tell you this.. After a certain amount of time together, getting your wife/girlfriend to agree to sex has much less to do with he promise of standing muffdives and much more to do with the promise of brevity, neatness, and doing the dishes.

 

It’s hard to figure why the BroBible Sexercises for dudes page has now 2 examples of women doing them. But.. whatever.

 

 

Once again this guy is very concerned with “pumping up” your ass. I’m starting to get concerned about this. However, assuming the intentions are totally No-homo©, we now know how to be very manly and swing a fucking heavy metal ball around like an imbecile for, which apparently, there was no stock photo to be found of a man doing.

Eminem’s unemployed nephew can do 5 whole push-ups

 

st3

 

There’s finally a little bit of non-insane advice in this one.. namely that “chicks dig abs.” While this is undoubtedly often true, it’s not a prerequisite to be allowed to have sex, nor is it a physical requirement. Fat people indeed have lots of sex, as do thin or averaged-sized people without killer abs. I’m not sure most guys need a sex “advice” column to remind them that preferred attention at the beach would come in the form of a 6-pack. (of either muscles or beer) However one can indeed “get the job done in the sack” without looking like Ryan Reynolds’s airbrushed wet dream of himself. So, do pushups. At least like 5 a day. (or more if you’re a badass)

 

Must…gain…strength…to…finger….chicks…

 

st4

 

Jesus pogo-sticking Christ. I’m really not sure if the writer of this article is just having fun trying to lure idiots into doing retarded things while thinking they are improving their sex prowess.. but let me just say this. If your woman’s vagina is a cavernous hole that requires so much impact and thrust that your god damn arm starts to cramp from violent fingering, it may be time for her to consider elective surgery. That, or just blindfold her and find an empty beer keg to use. Otherwise, if you’re so god damn limp-wristed you can’t accomplish this feat on a normal girl without a Lincoln Tunnel-sized womb opening, chances are that inserting your fingers into women isn’t gonna be real high on your priority list anyway.

 

st5

 

And with this, some clarity. This article was clearly written by someone who ‘s never even seen porn, despite their attempts to convince the reader that porn is accurate instructional videos for sex. It cites Ron Jeremy as a positive influence at the end of an article about sex and physical fitness. In case you don’t know who Ron Jeremy is..

 

My secret is the Glute Bridge and the Kettlebell Swing. Lol j/k I totally have a 10 inch shlong!

 

Pretty sure this indicates the writer has no fucking clue who Ron Jeremy is and just knows that name is associated with porn. It’s like someone who’s never played or watched baseball making a batting tips video and telling viewers that soon they’ll be hitting home runs like Roger Clemens. In closing, they again mention the elusive standing muffdive. I’m pretty sure if you asked the author to illustrate what this act consists of, they’d probably draw you a picture of a circus clown riding an escalator. Anyone can mash bits of overheard nonsense together and call it an advice blog, including the hopelessly stupid and the criminally insane. If you read this page for “sex advice,” you may qualify as one of those.

I Hate Movies pt. I


bridesmaid director lucas mike bay

 

Why bother with another pop-culture bitch-fest? Because I really used to enjoy going to the movies.. and now, I don’t. Growing up a significant part of my childhood involved going the theater and seeing stuff like: Ghostbusters, The Goonies, Weird Science, Vacation, and so forth. And I still enjoy these films, and not merely because it’s all Vintage Store-ironic and reminiscent of my childhood, but because these are endearing, well-made movies that have aged well. And no, none of these examples are amazing, revelatory works of cinematic art. They’re just good, fun, well-made movies with well-developed characters and simple, easy to follow story arcs. And of course maybe I’m just becoming the embodiment of Dana Carvey’s SNL Grumpy Old Man with all this shit. If so, enjoy anyway.

 

Flibbity Floo

 

I guess it took what a self-absorbed semi-hipster would call “introspection” to explain why for the past 10 years I could list off all the times I went to the movie theater on less than my 10 fingers. It sure sounds like arthouse dickery to proclaim that modern film-making has become formulaic schlock…  pandering attempts to reel in the widest audience possible, coherent story-telling be damned. But a recent slate of “indie” movies are some of the worst offenders, offering their own brand of pointless formula and cliches that offer infinitely more style over substance (How many n’er-do-well 30 something protagonists with existential crises do we need?)

 

2 words… Fuck… You

 

But enough with the pseudo-intellectual justification for my avoidance of movies. Here’s why they suck, very simply put:

1) Shitty, self-absorbed characters

Red Letter Media hit the nail on the head in the very first 5 minutes of the very first Star Wars Prequel review (yea, I’m going here again) in explaining why it was impossible to emotionally connect with these movies. The characters fucking sucked. Was there anything remotely relatable about Qui-Gon fucking Jinn? Sarcastic and bored Obi-Wan? Natalie Portman with a weird British robot voice? That annoying kid playing Anakin? Need I mention cocksucking Jar-Jar?

 

Meesa fuck your eye sockets with schlock

 

Maybe unless you’ve been lobotomized, it should be pretty obvious that Storytelling 101 involves a character or characters one can relate to and then invest into emotionally. So who does anyone relate to in any of the 3 prequels? Even my friends who claim they actually liked these films can’t answer that question. It’s because it can’t be answered, because the characters suck.

The SW prequels are an extreme example, but it’s part and parcel of way too many recent movies.. particularly ones geared at young people, which is troubling on many levels. For instance:

The “Paranormal Activity” movies. I’ve now seen the first 3 of these, and several knock-off straight to DVD versions. (which incidentally, are basically impossible to tell apart because of the very convenient dirt-cheap productions costs of this style of “movie”) The first one was clever and different, kinda, if you forgot Blair Witch. But then since it was successful –  and oh joy – cheap as all fuck to produce and cast, they now crank out the same shot again and again in form of sequels, offering basically nothing new from the 1st one.

 

This is so exciting I’m not sure I can contain my bowels..

 

While I was mildly entertained by the 1st one, I was bored stiff from the rest. And there are 500 reasons, not the least of which is that literally 90% of these movies involves watching home security camera footage of literally nothing, waiting for the next startle to occur.

But they could be at least a bit more compelling if you cared about the characters. And I guess maybe you kinda do, a little, in the 2d one, because it involves little kids and kids in movies are generally innocent, if gratingly fucking annoying. But the rest are upper-middle class suburbanites that prattle on about suburbanite shit like new sedans and needless crap their kids want them to buy. None of which is central to the plot. Really compelling shit.

That doesn’t even get to the horrific slate of rom-coms and raunch comedies. Where vapid, self-centered, mean-spirited one dimensional characters are celebrated. And that’s troubling. Are Bridesmaids and The Hangover movies popular because these insipid child-like narcissistic assholes portrayed on-screen somehow connect to these large audiences? What about Adam Sandler films, where cruelty, racism, and physical harm at the expense of others is celebrated like fucking Christmas?

 

When my shrink asks why it is I seldom venture outside my house, I cite the example that this man is considered by millions of Americans to be “funny”

 

Keep in mind I’m not even talking about the pathetic scripts, plots, and bad acting. Just the very nature of the characters. I’ll get into very specific examples of why characters and character development is so important, citing 2 legendary modern films, and comparing them to, yes I am fucking going here again, the good old Star Wars prequels. Then I will follow-up this new (I just decided) “Fuck Movies” series with explanations of why bad scripts, bad blocking, and cheap production keep me away from the theater. As if you cared.

The Paul Ryan/Todd Akin/Joe Walsh vision of America


 

Curious as to what it might look like if that crowd had won, or actually what their surrogates and comrades in state legislatures are still trying to do even in wake of getting throttled at the polls last Tuesday? Look no further than Ireland, where doctors at a Catholic hospital let a woman die in agony, rather than terminate her pregnancy, of a baby they acknowledged had no chance of survival.

Think I’m exaggerating? Think I’m drawing a parallel with dubious connections? I suggest you re-read the GOP platform introduced in Tampa at the RNC, or Paul Rayn’s views on rape as a “method of conception,” or Joe Walsh or Akin or Paul Ryan’s (still a US Congressman) stance on the denial of abortion even when the life of the mother is at risk. (For the record, Ryan later did sign on to legislation that would allow some exceptions for abortion when the mother’s life is at stake, but the “Personhood” amendment he signed on to clouds that stance, to say the least)

We don’t have to play with far-flung hypotheticals here.. this is a prime example of the consequences of this stance. A not terribly rare or wild, far-fetched scenario, actually. This is Conservative extreme anti-abortion law in action. And now an otherwise healthy young woman is dead. She is dead because religious doctrine valued the life of a doomed fetus over hers. Click the link below for the full story:

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/11/13/we-are-all-savita-halappanavar-catholic-hospital-in-ireland-denies-woman-life-s-0

So past the clear facts of this example, the question then becomes: Is this a case of religious dogma overruling common sense, or is this a broader case of patriarchal social/religious/cultural rule causing the very ultimate consequence for a woman whose only crime was being pregnant, and that pregnancy going awry? Does it matter, when the end result is the same? And perhaps, even though the country in which this happened is considered “1st world,” “Western,”  “advanced,”  “civilized” even, it is still a foreign country.

After all, we are not the constituents of Irish leaders. We cannot vote in their elections. However, we (Americans) can and do vote right here. (despite the efforts of elected officials to make the process more difficult for voters who often happen to oppose this sort of radical right-wing agenda) And our elected leaders and candidates who espouse this view of abortion should be made to answer: “What about Savita Halappanavar? If she was seeking medical care in this country, would you deny her an abortion and let her die?”

By their very own party platform, the answer seems to be a resounding “Yes.”

A fun post-mortem of the polls..


Or rather, the pollsters.. Specifically, I’ll focus on 2, one from “each side of the aisle.” The assumed “left-leaning” Public Policy Polling (actually, in looking at the last 3 elections, “left-leaning” really means “accurate” in PPP’s case) and our “right-leaning” old buddy Scott Rasmussen, the holy grail of right-wing poll cherry-pickers. I’ll stick to national and swing-state polls, because it’s irrelevant to see how close they were in Kansas and Connecticut.

I’ll also add Nate Silver’s projections as proof of his surreal god damn sorcery.

**PLEASE NOTE** As of my writing this blog, there may be some ballots yet to be counted in Washington State, Oregon, California, and a few other states, which could nudge Obama’s margin up slightly.

Anyhoo…. not even going to mention Gallup, who as I previously displayed effectively removed huge swaths of voters under 30 from their “LV” sample. So let’s have a gander, shall we?

I’m going to hold off excessive commentary and just focus on the numbers. As (hopefully) we’ve learned, the numbers speak for themselves, no matter how my right-wing friends bravely and futily fight them with unyielding spirit.

Another note: As of writing this, Rasmussen’s site has made their final presidential tracker nearly impossible to find. LOL.. good move Scotty. 

USA!! USA!! Time for the voice of all Americans to be heard to pick the next President.. unless you live in one of the 39 states where the race won’t be close enough to even bother polling..

Final projections/actual tallies:

PPP National projection: Obama 50/Romney 47

Rasmussen National projection: Romney 49/Obama 48

Nate Silver projection: Obama 50.8/Romney 48.3

Actual result:   Obama 50.4/48.1

PPP Verdict:  CORRECT

Rasmussen Verdict: INCORRECT 

Notes: PPP didn’t publish fractions on this poll, rounding either up or down, so I can’t say for sure how close they were to the tenth like with Nate Silver.. but on first look they may have under-estimated Romney’s national support by ~ 1 point. And then there’s good ol’ Rass.. like Gallup, giving Romney supporters some false hope, since EV/PV splits are rare.

Eagles-Fans

Pennsylvania: Home to FUCK YOU, SANTA…

Pennsylvania:

PPP: Obama 52/Romney 46

Rasmussen: Obama 51/Romney 46

Nate Silver: Obama 52.5/Romney 46.6

Actual result: Obama 52/Romney 46.8

PPP Verdict:  CORRECT

Rasmussen Verdict: CORRECT

Notes: Can’t get much closer to “nailing it” than this for both sides. Perhaps another slight underrating of Romney support, irrelevant to final tally. And good job Rass!!.. Maybe he did better than ’08 and ’10…. maybe..

Ohio: Did Romney remember this was a critical swing state with lots of auto- …aww fuck it. Sick of hearing about this place.

Ohio:

PPP: Obama 52/Romney 47

Rasmussen: Obama 49/Romney 49

Nate Silver: Obama 51.3/Romney 47.7

Actual Result: Obama 50.1/Romney 48.2

PPP Verdict: CORRECT

Rasmussen Verdict: INCONCLUSIVE

Notes: Romney outperformed a lot of polls in Ohio, including perhaps his own internals. However it was irrelevant to the final numbers, Karl Rove’s protests notwithstanding. At this point one could argue a very slight bias in PPP’s polling towards Obama, but not nearly enough to make an incorrect prediction. As for Rass, well I’ve decided that when a pollster predicts a tie, unless they were off by > 2%, it’s an inconclusive prediction. But in this case Rass’s Ohio poll was very misleading for the entire national picture, as it showed arguably the most important swing state in a dead-heat, when basically all other polls showed a small but steady Obama lead. Let’s see if it got better for Rass. (spoiler: it didn’t) 

Virginia: Governor forced ultra-sound? check. Heavy handed-state response to women protesting? check. Chance of Romney winning VA? Oh…

Virginia:

PPP: Obama 51/Romney 47

Rasmussen: Romney 50/Obama 48

Nate Silver: Obama 50.7/Romney 48.7

Actual Results: Obama 50.8/Romney 47.8

PPP Verdict: CORRECT

Rasmussen verdict: INCORRECT

Notes: If you stopped paying attention to the polls in early October, this result might have surprised you. If you were paying attention the last week or so, it didn’t. PPP obviously wasn’t surprised. Once again, highly accurate with the slightest underrating of Romney support. As for Rass, this was an epic fail. One that should really make people question his credibility as a pollster. You’re talking about a critical swing state that he got wrong by 5 points, all in the direction of Romney. He’d get a pass if it was his only bad miss of the night, or if there isn’t a history of this with his swing state polls. (spoiler: it wasn’t, and there is)

Michigan: According to friends who have lived there, this more or less sums up Michigan..

Michigan:

PPP: Obama 52/Romney 46

Rasmussen: Obama 52/Romney 47

Nate Silver: Obama 53/Romney 45.9

Actual Results: Obama 53.8/Romney 45.3

PPP Verdict: CORRECT

Rasmussen Verdict: CORRECT

Notes: Well, so much for the PPP-Obama bias. As you may recall, a few astro-turf polls came out in the waning days showing MI tied or Romney in the lead. This concerned the Obama camp so much David Axelrod put his mustache on the line to shore up support. And chalk up another good call for Rass. 2 so far.

Wisconsin: As opposed to commonly held perceptions, the people pictured do not represent the state as a whole

Wisconsin

PPP: Obama 51/Romney 48

Rasmussen: Obama 49/Romney 49

Nate Silver: Obama 52.4/Romney 46.9

Actual Results: Obama 52.8/Romney 46.1

PPP Verdict: CORRECT

Rasmussen Verdict: LOL

Notes: et tu, Paul Ryan? And with that, the PPP-Obama bias theory is dead. You know, categorizing PA, MI, WI, and MN (actually, I’m not even gonna bother with MN) as “swing states” is kind of misleading. They were only deemed so because of Rasmussen and the Romney Campaign and media memes, who desperately wanted this to be a neck-and-neck horse race. In these states it really wasn’t. No idea what Rass was looking at here, but it’s another huge, honking miss… this time by nearly 7 points!! Ouch.

Iowa: Where Obama kicks off and ends his presidential campaigning, and Howard Fineman is reminded of his childhood in post-Civil War America

Iowa

PPP: Obama 50/Romney 48

Rasmussen: Romney 49/Obama 48

Nate Silver: Obama 51.1/Romney 47.9

Actual Results: Obama 52.1/Romney 46.5

PPP Verdict: CORRECT

Rasmussen Verdict: FACEPALM

Notes: And now the bias would seem to have flipped, with PPP overestimating Romney’s support in some of these states. Which of course probably means there’s really no bias at all, and fluctuations are merely statistical noise. The most interesting thing to me in the closing days of the race in terms of Iowa, was when the great Howard Fineman flipped his shit over the Des Moines register endorsing Romney, which inexplicably led Fineman to muse that it was a sign Obama could very well lose the whole damn election. Good old Howard, hearkening back to a day when newspaper endorsements could really influence an election…. like maybe Grover Cleveland in 1888..

And.. oh Rasmussen.. Rasmussen, Rasmussen, Rasmussen. Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s Eve?

New Hampshire: Where clearly, not many fucks are given

New Hampshire

PPP: Obama 50/Romney 48

Rasmussen: Obama 50/Romney 48

Nate Silver: Obama 51.4/Romney 47.9

Actual Results: Obama 52.1/Romney 46.5

PPP Verdict: CORRECT

Rasmussen Verdict: CORRECT

Notes: Not much to say here, as both polls got the winner right, but by 4 points worse for Obama. Romney spent a lot of time campaigning here in the final week, as part of a strategy that would have also required picking up a whole bunch more states he had no real shot in. Or as his campaign called it: “Expanding the Map.”

North Carolina: Yea, we’re still the Deep South

North Carolina

PPP: Obama 49/Romney 49

Rasmussen: Romney 52/Obama 46

Nate Silver: Romney 50.6/Obama 48.9 

Actual Results: Romney 50.6/Obama 48.4

PPP Verdict: INCONCLUSIVE

Rasmussen Verdict: CORRECT

Notes: North Carolina has rapidly changing demographics, and is no longer safe GOP territory. Romney had to fight here, and it was a critical state for him to win, not for Obama. Rass got it right, but overestimated Romney by 4 points. Definite pattern emerging.

Oh, and look at Silver’s #s. Holy fuck.

Florida: Trust me, it’s much better to visit than to live here

Florida

PPP: Obama 50/Romney 49

Rasmussen: Romney 50/Obama 48

Nate Silver: Obama 49.8/Romney 49.8

Actual Results*: Obama 49.9/Romney 49.3

PPP Verdict: CORRECT

Rasmussen Verdict: INCORRECT

*as of 11/8/2012 at 2:14 pm CST, Florida has not officially called the state for Obama. And I mean.. really..why should they? It’s only November 8th

Notes: Governor Rick Scott shortened the state’s 14 early voting days down to 8, because… yea well, you guess. South Florida voters responded by showing up, waiting in line for upwards of 6,7,8 hours, and extending a solid middle finger in Governor Scott’s face in the form of a vote for Obama.

And once again.. Nate Silver…..                  sorcery

Colorado: Rocky Mountain High

Colorado

PPP: Obama 52/Romney 46

Rasmussen: Romney 50/Obama 47

Nate Silver: Obama 50.8/Romney 48.3

Actual Results: Obama 51.2/Romney 46.5

PPP Verdict: CORRECT

Rasmussen Verdict: GOOD GOD MAN

Notes: Colorado is one of those states that was very conservative years ago, and some pollsters just kinda refuse to accept it’s now much more young, much more liberal, and much more Hispanic. Pollsters like Rass, who really did another bang-up job here, missing by a whopping 7 points.. again..  apparently saw fit to find a “likely voter” model analogous to the 1980’s. Keep in mind Obama won this state in 2008 by 9 points. At a certain point there’s ignorance and being behind on trends, and then there’s willful ignorance.

Nevada: We get polled a lot now

Nevada

PPP: Obama 51/Romney 47

Rasmussen: Obama 50/Romney 48

Nate Silver: Obama 51.8/Romney 47.3

Actual Results: Obama 52.3/Romney 45.7

PPP Verdict: CORRECT

Rasmussen Verdict: EVEN A BLIND SQUIRREL..

Notes: Let’s leave this on a semi-positive not for our buddy Scott Rass.. Sure, he was off by nearly 5 points in another key swing state, but at least he got the winner right. If you are interested in the changing political landscape in Nevada, and why pollsters like Rass and Gallup have no clue how to poll there, check out Ralston Reports.

Bottom line: the anti-Obama crowd stayed confident, arrogant, sometimes downright smug over all the good news that Scott Rasmussen delivered to their Twitter feeds and inboxes with his polls. This same crowd inevitably, and this went right up through professional “pundits” had themselves good laughs dismissing PPP and Nate Silver. It seemed odd to me, because it was very easy to research each’s respective track records for recent elections. And if you did, then these results aren’t terribly surprising, although Rass was even more off than 2008 and 2010, and Nate Silver even more accurate.

Now once the shoe is on the other foot, and PPP and Nate Silver start showing us liberals #s in an election that doesn’t look so good for our candidate, will we substitute reality and inject our own, like our friends of the other political persuasion, or will we accept this wicked partisan sorcery (solid math and fundamentals of statistics) as truth? We shall see..