Album Cover Madness


Something old, something new, something shitty, sniff some glue…

Mr Bat: Mr Bat Sings (1981)

Mr. Batshit Fucking Scary

Clowns are just inherently nightmare fodder. It is no coincidence that horror writers use them as vehicles of sheer terror or why serial killers dress up in clown suits and makeup. They want to scare the the living fuck out of their audience and/or victims, and god damn does it work like a charm. Mr. Bat is no exception. The question is why. This was not a pretentiously ironic indie rock album nor was it a metal album.

No, apparently, Mr. Bat was a gospel singer from North Dakota. Neither he, nor this album, really had anything to do with clowns. Perhaps Mr. Bat was inferring that this album cover was a taste of hell (if you don’t buy the album and let Mr. Bat save you). If so, that is one hell of an effective means of marketing.

I very much wanted to find a clip for you, but no such luck. Some internets out there mention bad, creepy organ music and an an old white dude bellowing about Jesus. Still no explanation of the fucking clown get-up. I guess we’ll just leave it at that.

 

Fleetwood Mac: Mystery To Me (1973)

mmm... tastes like..failure

There’s a fine line between art and crap. There’s an even finer line between symbolic art and rampant stupidity. Fleetwood Mac just blurs all the lines and serves up pseudo-art crap with some sort of “message,” much as just about every band in the 70s and early 80s tried to do. I would expect this kind of thing from pretentious prog-rock assholes like Yes or Emerson Lake & Palmer, but why Fleetwood Mac?

I’m not a huge FWMc fan, but they are usually passable. I’ll give you a little more background on them. Most casual rock fans only know them from classic rock radio and the 2 songs those Clear Channel stations spin. In reality Mac was around a long time before Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham, so as you can imagine, they sounded different. It was a little prog-rockish… but that still doesn’t excuse the very stupid album cover. Have a listen:

 

Minitel Rose: The French Machine (2008)

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADICALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

Sadly, this isn’t an album from the 80s. It’s a hipster band trying to look and sound like they are from the 80s.. being all hip and ironic-like. Hey, I’m all for hip retro irony. But when it’s forced, it’s stupid. This is stupid. And the music has no authenticity whatsoever. It’s like an Elvis impersonator recording an album, but taking himself very seriously. What’s the point?

Fuck this band, and this album. But here’s a track anyway. You’ll probably like it… to spite me.

 

Benny Boys: S.D.I. (1986)

ahhh.. that's better

Let’s compare and contrast these last 2 albums boys and girls for an important lesson in comedy and retro, campy humor. Why is this album cover funny? Because it’s 4 dorks from Germany trying to look very “sci-fi” and cool in 1986.

To make matters worse, the term “Benny Boys” is on old-school slang for a homosexual. For all I knew, these guys were well aware of that, and ahead of their time. But chances are it’s another funny coincidence.

So again, natural retro failure = win. Forced pretentious hipster failure = just failure. No media for this one.

 

Mr. Bones: Hey Mr. Banjo (early 1950s)

Oh. My. God.

Yes, this was a real album cover. Yes it was pressed and released in the U.S. in the 50s. Yes it was in the South. Yes much of the South hasn’t changed much. Not much more to add to this one.

No I’m not going to find a clip to listen to. I’m sure the music is fantastic.

 

Holst: the Planets (conducted by Sir Adrian Boult – 1970)

I see London, I see France..

This is a great one. A great composer, and one of my favorite 20th century Orchestral pieces of all time. I guess EMI was shooting (tee-hee) for a younger, hipper demographic than typical classical music record buyers. They might have been on the right track. At least with the girl.

 

Tex Williams: Smoke Smoke Smoke (1968)

Thank you for smoking..

Tex Williams sure loved smoking. My god did he love it. Not only did he think it was ok. It was goddamn patriotic. It is your duty as a true American to smoke. In fact, Real Americans smoke 3 at a time and tattoo their goddamn hands about it.

As you might have guessed, Tex was a Country/Western singer. And had a long, fruitful career. That was until he died of pancreatic cancer, most likely brought on or made worse, by years of smoking.

Here’s a video of sorts.. and it does kind of seem, from the lyrics, that Tex thinks people smoke too goddamn much. So, draw your own conclusions.

 

Maranatha 3: Rejoice in the Lord (1973)

with mescaline

That guy is way too fucking excited to be rejoicing in the lord. The Beatles only wish they had veiled drug references this obvious.

If you must know, Maranatha wasn’t a band, but a contemporary Christian music record label. And this was sort of a “greatest hits,” vol. 3. The trippy artwork was done by an actual pastor and evangelist, who was obviously very high….on Christ.

Here’s some of the music. This track kind of makes you think of Crosby Stills & Nash, if they sucked ass and loved Jesus.


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Weekend Musings 4/29/12


New thing to recap the week. A lot of this you won’t know or care about. Too bad.

Everyone got roasted at the White House Correspondents dinner, and no one’s feelings got hurt but Keith Olbermann’s. Enough Keith. It’s getting old.

I live in San Antonio, and that means it’s “Fiesta” weekend. Drinking, music, crowds, more drinking, and a parade that went right down my street. After 2 minutes In realized I am as bored by parades today as I was at 5. Fuck the parade.

yay

Does anyone but me not really care that Ted Nugent is the same moronic, misogynistic asshole as he has been the past 30 years? The timing couldn’t be better when he was visited recently by the Secret Service. They must have exchanged tips.

Cat Scratch Retard

The Miami Heat beat the Knicks by about 78 in game 1 of their playoff series. Everyone still hates the Heat. And it’s not because of the “decision.” It’s because it’s Miami. People are envious that there should be a dream team in paradise. I am from Miami. It is not paradise. I can’t stress this enough.

Republicans have a very strange strategy to make up ground with women voters. They continue to fire volley after volley of anti-woman legislation, then immediately take to the airwaves to tell everyone there is no anti-woman legislation. It seems no one within the Republican power structure has connected the dots that women are actually really pissed off because of anti-woman legislation and not because they are merely losing the “message war.”

sniff..

A bunch of Miami Hurricane players declared early for the draft, and none of them got drafted within the 1st two rounds. One didn’t get drafted at all. Lesson learned? Doubt it. The Miami Hurricanes are the poster child for how fucked up the indentured servitude system is in college football. Lots of greedy scumbags lurk all over Miami. And they have way to much access to low-income aspiring athletes.

Media Matters seemingly desperately wants to help keep Rush Limbaugh on the air. I swear a large part of his audience are now made up of liberals with too much time on their hands, ready to pounce and regurgitate whatever mindless swill he utters on his stupid clown show. Stop feeding the troll.

The Catholic leaders are rebelling against the Paul Rand..err.. Ryan plan. Ryan seems stupefied by this. He should stay on message. Most “religious” folk in this country are way more on the side of Ayn Rand-type thinking then the whole “love thy neighbor” and “help those less fortunate” bit.

Fox News anchor tweets a homophobic dig at Sandra Fluke (she has since apologized). And? This is who they are. This is their audience. Americans have gotten savvy to their deal. It is going to become alarmingly clear soon how the core of this country is not anywhere near to the right as those on the right believe.

You see it's funny.. because a woman testifying before congress about the accessibility of birth control must be a lesbian.. oh.. wait..

My liberal friends, they are not hard-left either. Someone will get it some point. Someone will also realize that the last 2 Democrat Presidents were very Centrist, despite being painted as flaming liberals.

2 playoff games, 2 PGs blow out ACLs with the outcome of each game already pretty much decided. Horrendous. The NBPA and the owners got what they wanted, I guess.

Hey McCain… STFU, seriously..


Argh!

Look, I more or less like john McCain. Dude is a war hero. Was a real life Rambo, living through a POW ordeal in the Hanoi Hilton that no mere mortal could withstand without cracking. I know I couldn’t, no matter how tough I think I am. He’ll always have my respect. He’s a real American hero, and no one can ever take that away from him.

As a politician though, it’s a mixed bag at best. Sometimes he does go all Maverick-y on the GOP, pissing off the “base” by endorsing stances like immigration reform and increased funding for vets’ benefits. (Wait, why are  the always pro-militry Republicans always fighting this? Anyone? Dad? Beuller?)

I could use a tax cut..

But sometimes, he’s just a GOP water-carrier, and that sometimes makes him a hypocrite, or an automaton. And that’s sad. For instance, there’s a lot of hearsay evidence that McCain nearly crossed party lines and tried to run with John Kerry in 2004. Now there’s no way to really verify this, but if it’s true, it would fit with his profile. It would also mean we could assume McCain was ticked off with the b.s. Swift-boating campaign headed by Obama “birther” king Jerome Corsi.

Not to mention, one would have to believe he was still fuming about G.W. Bush and Karl Rove’s attempt to smear his family and his war record during the 2000 Republican primary campaign.

Makes you proud, doesn't it..

So faced with a chance to take a stand for his war record, his family, and a sense of obligation to right and wrong, who was he loyal to? His party. GOP trumps all, I guess. Like I said, sad.

So what is McCain in the news for today? It’s the old GOP parlor trick. Do or say something politically slimy, then accuse the other side of doing or saying what you just did. This bait-and-switch has served Republicans very well for years (Hence, draft dodging G.W. Bush is the patriot and decorated combat veteran John Kerry is the “traitor”).

So was McCain’s commentary on a new web ad reminding Americans that President Obama gave the go-ahead for the Bin Laden raid, with a quote from Mitt Romney in 2008 that seemed to indicate he would have not supported such a raid.

Billions to kill Bin Laden? Nahh.. Billions in tax cuts for my friends at the Yacht Club? That's A-Ok.

Is there some political chicanery there, at least with the Romney quote? Sure. But ask yourself, if this was President McCain running for re-election, and his opponent had been quoted basically saying he wouldn’t spend the time and money to hunt “one man,” would he not be hammering that all day, every day? Take a wild guess.

So the president made the call that ended up in the killing of the most notorious terrorist in the history of our nation. And he’s not supposed to talk about it? I think this is just part of the “throw all the shit against the wall and see what sticks” political strategy.

Criticize Obama for slow-jamming with Jimmy Fallon. Criticize the President for not babysitting the Secret Service. Criticize the President for not wanting college grads to be in debt until they’re 60. Criticize the President for mentioning the Bin Laden raid was the right call? Really? I have to believe voters are starting to tune all this crap out.

Thumbs Up Thursday!!!


First contender is Archbishop John Carroll High School of Pennsylvania. The good folks at the Catholic Prep school have denied a 17 year old girl admission to her school prom. Is it because she wants to go with another girl or wear only feathers or because she openly worshiped Satan at a school assembly? No! She can’t go because her date flaked out, and the school’s policy says no stag parties! Wait.. no.. ok. No stag.. attendees!

Good, wholesome, Catholic school fun

Yes, forget she bought her tickets, bought her dress, and did nothing except get stood up by some dude. Not to mention, a girl going stag is about 5o times less likely to have pre-martial sex then everyone else who is a-ok to go to the school-sponsored dance party! Way to stick to your guns, nuns!

Next contestant is Sean Hannity. Poor, hungry Americans?? Haha.. there’s no such thing! You know, that is one dumb myth I am just sick of hearing. These “poor” people can always “survive off rice and beans.” And that stuff is free, right? As is the gas or electricity to make said foods, and the roof under which one might be fortunate enough to have a home with a kitchen to cook, etc?? Oh it’s not? Well too bad.. haha. “Hungry” poor. Pu-leeeeze. Thumbs up Sean Hannity for kicking an easy target!

Final thumbs up to the original emo guy, and man of god, Glenn Beck. Not even Fox News can contain Beck’s love for the lord!! Based on what he said to a televangelist recently, the Glenn Beck Praise and Worship hour is right around the corner!

Jesus....Christ

It seems, like men of god before him, The Almighty has Beck on speed dial! According to the Beckmeister: “As I stood there, the Lord whispered to me, ‘If you do not leave now, you will lose your soul,’” Beck said. “It was the easiest decision I’ve ever made.”

Wow! Not only is God talking to Glenn Beck, he’s telling him Fox News isn’t pro-Jesus enough. Holy Toledo! =D Thumbs up Mr.. sorry, Your Holiness Beck!

 

More sh*% my sister used to watch : It’s a Living


So's ditch digging, honey..

Imagine these lyrics being shrieked at you as if by 5 middle-aged women you had scorned terribly:

LIFE’S NOT… THE FRENCH RIVIERA!!!!

LIFE’S NOT… A CHARITY BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, no need it imagine. Here, check it out:

 

I had no idea at 12 what I had done to piss these women off so much.. but it was good practice to get used to being yelled at with seething resent by various women for reasons I couldn’t fathom.

Anyway, if you recall, I lamented that my sister absolutely adored a terribly cheesy Canadian kid’s show called Today’s Special. And I mentioned that any mere suggestion that the channel should be changed during said show was met with shrieks and wails at incredible decibels. Well, for It’s a Living, the same suggestion of alternate programming was met with similar auditory assaults, along with projectiles and terrorist threats. I guess we were gonna watch the show.

This spritely pile of dung was a dramatization of the lives of 5 or so cocktail waitresses who worked at a snazzy restaurant in L.A.’s Bonaventure Hotel. The main crux of every subplot seemed to revolve around the women warding off the advances of the sleazy piano-man Sonny, played by Paul Kreppel, who according to Wikipedia is “best known” for this role. Bravo, Paul.

Relax toots, It's 1985. "Sexual Harassment" isn't even a thing yet.. What? What'd I say?

Of course, this was 80s sit-com land. So Sonny’s antics are met with canned laughter and considered endearing. Even at 12 I realized that lawsuits and mace were much more likely.

So, as annoying as Sonny was and every insipid mundane plot, which to my recollection always revolved around some rich guy visiting the hotel and wooing one of the “gals,” always leading inevitably to the guy flaking out or being married (ok, so some of the show was believable), things just got dumber and dumber with each successive show.

The presence of Ann Jillian did nothing to lessen the pain..

When a show runs for too long, and this one died and then was resuscitated exclusively for syndication (didn’t know they even did that), you have to up the ante for each show to keep the viewer interested. It’s why every South Park and Simpsons episode has been basically re-hashed 8 or 9 times, but they can slide in some current pop-culture to keep things “fresh.”

But with TV dramas and sitcoms, it’s not as easy. So to keep viewers interested in this one, things just got more and more hysterically stupid. We had: Bomb threats, terrorist-hostage standoffs, drug busts gone bad, CIA surveillance, spy vs. spy action, mafia shoot-outs… The Bonaventure restaurant became the craziest most dangerous goddam place in the country to work. And these gals were undeterred. Hey, it’s a living.

I remember laughing out loud at the sheer stupidity of it all, not to mention every episode was shot with soft soap opera-lighting and community theater understudy acting. There is fun, campy 80s cheese, and then there is pain. This was mostly pain.

Ann Jillian was pretty hot, and she's a cancer survivor.. so there's that.

I desperately wanted to find a clip from the “Hostage” episode.. there was at least one, maybe several. But alas, no luck on the youtubes. So here’s a little taste of the madcap hilarity of: A creepy would-be sex offender pianist, 5 attractive ladies who came to L.A. to be stars and got stuck waiting tables with said creep coming on to them all shift, every shift, their bitchy boss who doesn’t say or do much but gripe about having the most incompetent wait-staff in L.A., a fatherly type chef I don’t remember at all, and the very dangerous unpredictable world of L.A. hotel dining.

The “joke” here in this episode is that these folks have come to dine at the top of a very big hotel, and they are afraid of heights. So the waitress ignores their desperate please to just shut up and take their orders, and does everything in her power to make them lose their shit. This woman is either a sadistic fuck or a complete moron. We are supposed to believe these people work for tips? Anyway, this kind of violent dislogic permeated every excruciating 60 minutes of every show. So have a little taste of what I had to endure for several years, every weekday at 5:30 on TBS.

For my Finland contingent..


I’ve noticed lately a bunch of people checking out the blog are from Finland. I have no idea why. I can’t even tell you much about Finland other than they’ve been taking shit from Russia and Germany for hundreds of years and they are not, in fact Sweden. I think my dad once hooked up with a girl from Finland during his first midlife crisis, but that’s about the closest connection I have.

Still, thanks! And now, I have something to give you back. My snarky commentary on a Finnish video I’m a big fan of, and mistakenly thought for a long while, was from Sweden. I apologize for that. But come on, how the hell is a dumb-ass American like myself supposed to tell the difference? It’s probably akin to the way a lot of Canadians are mistaken for Americans when they travel abroad. Does it piss you guys off being mistaken for Swedes? I bet it does.

How can I be sure you're not pretender?

Anyway, Tahdon olla sulle hellä, or “I wanna Love you Tender” is a hella good time. And it’s about all the cultural relativism a guy like myself has on Finland. That’s pretty unfair I realize, not to mention the video is from 1978. Still, I think this video’s main mistake was trying to sell to an American audience. There’s definitely some attempt to capture some Saturday Night Fever, combined with all logic-defying dancing with people clad in what look like parochial school cheerleading outfits. Let’s walk through the dance moves first.

The choreography starts with an uncomfortable close-up of the dancers from the right of the stage, desperately trying to remember just how many first pumps and Tourettes-like karate sky-chops come before the umpire safe-sign move, then the Saturday Night Fever thrusting hip gyrations. It’s already enough to give a normal human being permanent injuries, and we’re only about 10 seconds in.

Hey look.. it's Jän Travolta! Haha...is that even a Finnish name? Is that racist?

Next we have a move called the Ron Artest Dunk Celebration Elbow, and the ever famous Slosh to the right, then left. Now look, for all I know, these were the hottest dance moves of the day in Finland, or in Akron, circa 1978. But I’m calling them like I see them.

Then we have some point to the sky then the ground moves, then the old slosh the hell out of the way and make way for the blonde space man. Oh yea, I forgot to mention, this all takes place in…. SPACE! WHY SPACE FINNISH SONG AND DANCE MAN???

Why not?

Then our Finnish David Cassidy has a few words for the ladies, and at the end of the first verse he sure looks like he forgot what the hell to sing and is just guessing. In fact, at the 0:55 mark, he seems to be lip synching a line that isn’t there. That or he’s just mouthing the word “hot,” because… whew… let’s face it, it’s getting pretty hot in here.

Next we have the very, very lovely (although not as lovely as Danny) Armi Aavikko. Armi has a much better grasp on the lyrics, and muses “How can I be sure you’re not pretender?” Armi doesn’t have time for linking verbs. But you know what, these people are singing in pretty damn good English. Let’s see the Bee Gees sing Stayin Alive in Finnish.

Pysyä Hengissääääääääää-äääääääää-äääääääääää-äääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääähhh.. fuck it

Anyway, poor Armi pours her heart out to Danny and the jerk won’t even look at her. Next they do some kind of vibrating dance in place thing, then the dancers come marching back into the shot from either side, doing something that combines a conga line with yanking a car’s hood open lever.

The conga line finally converges and marches between our star-crossed lovers, getting us all a good close-up of each member of Dance Team Bravo. Then we get something that looks like it might have inspired Toni Basil, but isn’t all that exciting.

That is until the 1:49 mark when our Finnish Travolta analog raises the temperature another 20 degrees with some hip moves that have since been outlawed by the UN. Ahhhhh yea boiiii… If there were Swedes anywhere nearby, I’m pretty sure at this point they had just. been. served.

Then… stillness for a sec, followed by a one-legged Brian Setzer air guitar backwards hop thing. Forget about being able to actually pull off these dance moves with style, there’s no way I could have even remembered them all, or had my brain convince my body these movements made any sense at all in my dimension of spacetime.

A never before seen shot from the trailer of the never made sequel, Grease 3: In Space

Keep in mind we’re only one verse and chorus in to this video, and I already feel like I’m tripping balls. I don’t think someone actually on acid should ever be allowed to watch this video. It would just explain too much. And no one should bear the burden of that kind of knowledge.

By the 2:00 minute mark, I’m pretty sure the choreographer is just fucking with us, trying to see how much we’ll watch and still attempt to take seriously. Two girls strut in from the right side doing what looks like trying to make shadow puppets, someone follows them from the other side with what looks like a sheet of tin foil being pantomimed like it’s a boom-box, more shadow puppets, then a couple walks across the screen just flat-out dry humping for our amusement, the girl waving happily, ostensibly to her mom and dad.

I could try to describe the rest from here but I’d probably give myself an aneurism. It’s just a mess of 70s madness and Finnish sexual space-disco indulgence. I’m pretty sure this is what passes for porn in most Arab countries, and keep in mind, alien civilizations would have received this signal long before Star Trek the Next Generation or the Discovery Channel.

I don’t want to give away the big ending either, but it will probably look very familiar to something else from 1978.

So without further jäähyväiset, I bring you: I Wanna Love you Tender, by “Danny”

 

Saturday 80s video insanity : McDLT


Nice suit Jason. You come straight here from your Miami Vice audition?

As Americans, we were facing a true crisis in the 80s. If you ordered a “lettuce and tomato hamburger,” and it came from a fast food place like Micky Ds, chances are by the time you got it, it had been sitting under a heat lamp for at least 16 hours.

This of course usually led to your veggies being wilted and warm, and your burger to be at room temperature. Thankfully the Golden Arches developed a revolutionary breakthrough to combat this disaster, that they had pretty much uniquely created themselves.

The cost, environmentally, was merely using enough styrofoam for each burger that would probably only double the amount in American landfills. The cost for Jason Alexander, was merely that some snarky blogs like mine could dig up a time where he actually had hair (or a very good toupee) and no shame whatsoever.

bio-degrade-a-what? Haha, fuck that! This burger is great!

As far as awful commercials go, this is about average on the scale for Ronald McVomit. I could dedicate a whole section just to terrible Micky D’s commercials. But holy shit are Jason Alexander and his posse of desperate for work predominantly very white actors excited about this burger.

I’m not going to walk you through the entire video, such as is necessary with Jan Terri, but I at least have to point out the alarming dis-logic at the start. Jason Alexander, seemingly on a whim, announces to no one in particular, or rather asks rhetorically, “aren’t you tired of lettuce and tomato burgers that don’t quite make it?”

Instead of being met with uncomfortable half-stares and then being ignored like most schizophrenics musing random things on a city sidewalk, he immediately gains a captive audience, including a young and enthusiastic Condoleeza Rice, seen on the right.

stop... burgetime

The rest is a wild song and dance cabaret of unadulterated joy for a burger that has the audacity to not meld the temperatures of its ingredients. And now I’ll admit something to you. I ate a shitload of these burgers in the 80s. My excuse was I was about 8. So enjoy this personal slice from my childhood.

The funniest man on the internet


You may ask, Trav, where do these clever ideas come from? What inspires you to dig up all this cheesy retro insanity and however did you find your snarky, sardonic style of mercilessly ripping this stuff to shreds?

Well, like most fledgling comedic types trying to gain an audience, I shamelessly rip off others. Here’s a sample of my main inspiration, Seanbaby. I hope Sean reads my blog one day, and, if he doesn’t decide to bring litigation, I hope he finds it at least mildly amusing. So here’s a sample of where some of my ideas come from.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-instructional-videos-no-one-could-possibly-find-useful/

 

So many stupid Album Covers, so little time


I have dozens and dozens of these to riff on. And I haven’t even really started looking yet. Once again I’ll try to provide some background and links to the music where applicable.

Scorpions: Pure Instinct (1996)

They just make it too easy. This might be, not just the worst Scorpions album cover, but the worst anything cover of anything, ever, of all time. By 1996 the Scorpions were one of the biggest-grossing hard rock/metal outfits of all time. Not to mention we had Windows 95. So what exactly is the excuse for an art fair reject of a cover?

Not just the idea but the execution is so amateur and juvenile, you almost want to think it was on purpose. But it’s tough to give the benefit of the doubt to a band that repeatedly spits out retarded album overs. They can’t all be tongue-in-cheek satire, can they?? Ironically enough, they changed the cover at some point. Not because they realized how atrociously bad it looked, but because of concerns with the mild nudity.

The music? Ok, I’ll admit something. I like the Scorpions. They are talented musicians and songwriters. Never confuse absurd album art with the actual musical product. This album is pretty much standard Scorpions big hair arena & pyrotechnics fare, with a few more ballads than usual.

 

Dolly Parton: Bubbling Over (1973)

Look, for all I know Dolly put a lot of time and effort into this album cover, or at the very least gave it an enthusiastic thumbs up before it went to print. However these were the days when artists often had little say over such things, and this one reeks of “thrown together at the last minute.”

If you look close, we don’t even get a unique shot of Dolly’s disembodied head being thrust into the sky by some kind of geyser in a lake behind what looks like the back wall of a penitentiary. It’s from the same shot of Dolly way in the background. And let’s face it, if we don’t get a close up of Dolly’s ginormous boobage, what’s the fucking point anyway?

The music? Look, I know about as much about Dolly Parton’s music career as I do about hip-hop. Well ok, maybe a little bit more about Dolly. I know she did that duet with Kenny Rogers and the title track from “9 to 5.” I couldn’t name you one 50 cent “song,” but I could probably pick him out on the street (although that would be a really bad idea).

Anyway, so yea, here’s the title track that sounds a bit too much like Stevie Nicks for my taste. And like I said, no boobs to oggle, so who cares?

 

Vinko: Para Mayores de 18 (“For Over 18” – 1982)

Check it out.. if you start top right and go counter-clockwise, he just gets fucking crazier each square. Lord knows what's happening on the back cover

So you always wondered what inspired The Many Facets of Roger? Well evidently it was this guy. Not much I could find on Vinko here, but apparently he was an Argentine comedian who, according to some stuff I ran through Google Translate, did one bang-up impersonation of “Chabuca Granda.” I don’t know what the fuck that is, but maybe it’s somehow related to what’s happening in the bottom right square.

By the title of the album we’re led to believe there’s some adult content on this record. Ok.. Sorry, I couldn’t find any media to link to. So if you’re desperate to know what’s on here, you’ll probably have to hit some thrift stores in Argentina.

 

Ghostface Killah (featuring Raekwon) – bulletproof wallets (2001)

ahhhh yea.. we cookin up some beignets up in here.. BITCH!

As I’ve said repeatedly, I know as much about hip-hop as neurosurgery. Put a microphone or a scalpel in my hand, both results would be equally as disastrous. Pierre would probably tell me what’s happening on this cover is supposed to represent how Ghostface likes to “fry up” other MCs.. or something like that.

But I know stupid when I see it, and this is it. To make matters worse, apparently this album was a complete disaster all around, as the label didn’t get proper permission for some samples, and the track listing is all fucked up and doesn’t even remotely represent what’s actually on the album.

Now that’s the kind of album cover story I like. Here’s a track below. It could be the greatest hip-hop track of all time. I have no idea.

 

The Playmates: At Play with the Playmates (1950-something)

It's the fabulous PLAYMATES! Cheecho, Chacho, and DERP!

Sticking with gangsta rap, we have a truly humiliating attempt at.. something. By featuring three middle-aged men uncomfortably close on a scooter. The guy up front appears to have some bad indigestion, and no one can be happy about that, although the middle guy does seem rather content.

So who the hell were these guys? Well they were a vocal trio from Connecticut. And as it turns out, they did have a famous song you may have heard if you have parents like mine who mistakenly think things that were funny to them at 12 would be funny to you… 40 years later. It’s the “Little Nash Rambler” song. Grab grandma and reminisce:

 

Wayne & Charlie: Rapping Dummy (1981)

We're just one missing "p" away from true hilarity

More rap, or something. Ok, someone explain me the point of a ventriloquist you can’t see. But, apparently, this was a thing. Because I’ve seen these types of records all over the place. Moreover, apparently ventriloquists were big hits during the radio-only era.

I guess people have fantastic imaginations. If you can just imagine he’s not Dave Liebe Hart, and his lips aren’t moving, it’s fucking hilarious! Actually, and I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t feel this way, ventriloquists and their dolls are all aggressively unfunny and creepy. So by all means, check out the rapping dummy:


When sexist ads were a ok


Some things you just can’t get away with anymore. And that’s a good thing. A lot of my conservative friends decry how we’re living in the “PC” age (as in Politically Correct, not PC over Mac), taking the infantile stance that things like racism, sexism, religious prejudice, etc. are things of the ancient past. And people who complain about such slights are just attention whoring. Sometimes, they are correct. But a lot of times, a lot of crap just hasn’t changed much in 50, 100, or even 10,000 years. Take the ad below for example:

hey.. what's the big dea... ohhhh.. I get it!

Now first let me offer some qualifiers. This ad was only displayed publicly by the company in Singapore. And the American BK big-wigs went on record claiming this was the brainchild of some marketing dude in Singapore, and was not approved by BK HQ (which incidentally, is half a mile from where I went to high school. Yea I know, I don’t care much either)

But as you can guess, it quickly caused a bad PR firestorm and was pulled. I’m not sure what’s dumber.. the decision to green-light this ad or the idea that a “7 incher” would be a length of jaw-dropping proportions. (Oh right… this was in Asia.. tee-hee)

The point is, people were offended. Now maybe this ad is more dumb than sexist, but still, a major international fast food giant can’t just make a banner ad with an obvious fellatio metaphor and get away with it. But in an earlier age, maybe. If they were a tad less crude, and 10,000X more sexist at least. Here, have a look.

 

You're awfully smug this morning, Jim

Here’s a Van Heusen tie ad from the 60s. There are some strange messages in this ad. First we know it’s obviously sexist, but it’s delivery leaves more questions than answers. First off, if you have to get fully dressed, then get into bed to have your woman serve you breakfast, you’re doing it wrong. Maybe that was the point of this ad, and we missed the backstory where this ungrateful wench slept in.

Secondly, I’m not sure how wearing a hideously ugly tie “shows” anybody anything, except the possibility that you may be color blind, or just have terrible taste. I’ve displayed the latter a few times, and it has never, I assure you, never, commanded respect in the eyes of women.

 

We're not in Kansas anymore.. no wait, we probably are

You know, at least in a lot of horrible sexist ads there’s a point. This just seems to be promoting spousal abuse for the pure hell of it. What exactly does “store testing” mean, which I guess means sampling, and how would you be able to tell if it was “fresher” that way, and why would that matter? a) Maybe this woman determined Chase and Sanborn (defunct in 1981) tasted like shit, after being store-tested. b) If a grocer is sampling coffee, it would be pretty self-defeating to give samples from a pot that was brewed yesterday. And c) if she’s brewing it, it’s always going to be “fresh.” Did they realize they’re talking about coffee?

This ad is so stupid I have an alternate hypothesis that works better, and makes me feel better. These people are obviously into role-playing and the “fresh coffee” thing is just a meaningless excuse to initiate the spanking. This ad isn’t sexist at all, and this coffee is merely lubricant to keep a 60s American marriage fresh, so to speak.

 

Your favorite honey, Natural Light and a side salad

This one is a disjointed mess. The first thing you’ll notice is the yellow teaser at the top. I’m in San Antonio, so.. no comment. Secondly, it took me a few times scanning this magazine cover to get it, but I finally did. More role-playing!

Look, you might be confused as to how a stereotypical 60s-era man’s man wants his beer served in a champagne glass and smokes a hookah, rather then a pipe. Not to mention if you get a better look at the food, it sure looks more like a garden salad than a steak. Who does wear the pants around here?

The answer? Not her! yup.. take a look again. Check the err.. backside. There isn’t a damn thing on under that apron. Fooled again. Now, there may be a sexist tilt here as making your woman serve you dinner clad only in an apron seems to be an exercise in power. But that guy’s expression does not convey anger, smugness, or any indication that he’s about to emerge with just his undershirt on, and his belt off.

All kidding aside, I was joking about the coffee ad being a front for kinky role-paying tips. This one I’m 50/50.

 

Oh I see.. you won't be home tonight. Hope your can get your "work" done at the "office" with the power lines cut, fucker.

This ad is all over the damn place.. but it starts and ends with a premise that’s pretty goddamned terrible. Basically it says, if you have dry skin, your husband will start fucking his secretary. It starts to get a little incoherent though.. as it claims 1 in 4 women doesn’t really mind having dry skin. Is that because they just don’t care, or does the other 75% only get miffed about the secretary-fucking thing?

The point is, I have no idea why if you want to create a horribly offensive ad you then tell your target audience it only applies to 3/4 of them. I think this one had bad editing. Not to mention there’s seemingly no rationale as to why this woman is taking an axe to power lines. Although I guess they’re supposed to be telephone lines? This is very faulty logic though. If a guy wants to bang his secretary, not being able to get the call home to his wife about not coming home is probably not going to stop him. In fact, it pretty much eliminates the last chance of an attack of conscience.

 

Or... "Does she mind crabs?"

Not sure when exactly this ad is from. My guess is the 20s. And let’s be honest, this ad is telling the truth. It was true then. It’s true now. I’m not sure which sex this ad is really being sexist against. Since it’s trying to sell a product to women, our gut reaction is to say it’s against them. But what it’s actually saying is, “Look, quote all the Dylan and Frost and talk about Einstein’s new theories all you want. He’s just going to be staring at your tits.”

This is a) almost always, universally true, and b) not women’s fault. Men are pigs. On a first date, they will be staring at your body and fantasizing about sex with you 90% of the time, and the other 9% will be constructing a plan of attack to make that happen. You get 1% to try to make a connection with “personality,” but in a guy’s mind that’s just another pathway to sex. i.e. “Oh she’s into the environment. Next date: Greenpeace rally. I am totally in there.”

Look, please don’t get me wrong here. Women should be respected for their minds, their personalities, their senses of humor, etc. And maybe I can speak from a place of privilege, because I’m lucky enough to have an amazing girlfriend who has all that…. and she’s hot too.

But it’s not Palmolive’s place to take a stand or be the standard bearer for a feminist movement. They are saying: You want a 2d date? Look hot. And every woman I have ever known, no matter their views on gender roles and feminism, and how piggish they think men are, have always done one universal thing when put into a situation where they will be interacting with men. They make sure they look as hot as humanly possible.