Look, I am not going to make this a twice a week thing, or it will just get stale. Plus I think from now on I will have had to listen to the album before commenting on it. It just seems more genuine. Anyway.. here’s some more snark for you..
The Scorpions: Lovedrive (1979)
I don’t know about you, but I just hate it when I finally get to cop a feel on my high-priced escort in the back of the limo and I totally forgot I had that 1 pound wad of Big League Chew still in my hand. What a mess! Fortunately, this gal was nonplussed. In fact, she may be comatose. I have a feeling the Scorps would be just fine with that.
Colonel Sanders: Tijuana Picnic (sometime in the 60s, I guess?)
Ok, there’s a lot going on here. Let’s try to make sense of this. This record is so obscure Wikipedia doesn’t even have any info on it. That is a blog goldmine. Because it means we can speculate. I did some googling on this bad boy, and apparently it’s filled with shitty Mexicanish-instumental elevator music. But I think it’s more fun to assign our own theories. I like to think the colonel was in hiding for tax evasion, and this album was a series of secret codes sent to headquarters to keep the KFC empire running smoothly. He was adopted by a family of CIA agents, in Mexico doing anti-communist reconnaissance at the behest of J Edgar Hoover. The colonel doesn’t realize he’s about to be double-crossed, and in an epic standoff wherein the CIA tries to steal the colonel’s secret recipe, his cane doubles as a poison dart gun, as the CIA doesn’t realize he’s a double agent for the NSA.
But it was probably just some kind of lame promo album for KFC franchises in Mexico City.
Heino: Liebe Mutter… (“Loves his mother” – 1971) W/ BONUS VIDEO!!!
Ok look, I don’t want to seem like I’m picking on the Germans. First we had the Scorpions, then this guy. But, as we all know from surfing the net, the Germans are into some weird shit. Fortunately, there is video of Heino all over the goddam internets. You might think the man who inspired SNL’s “Sprockets” (for you Trey) would sing like a real girlie-man. You’d be wrong, mein freund. Mr. Heino has one very manly set of baritone pipes on him. And he’s such a goddamn man’s man, a typical orchestra or band won’t do. He needs lumberjacks sawing fucking wood to sing to. think I’m kidding? Think again, Herr weiblic.
Gertrude Behanna: God Isn’t Dead! (1964)
Keeping with the German theme, we have here what seems to be a rejection of Nietzsche… until you see the back cover, which says: BECAUSE I HAVEN’T KILLED HIM YET … BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Black Sabbath: Sabotage (1975)
Yay… a weird album cover I actually own! Ok, look. the 70s had some interesting looks. But even the hippest of hipsters can’t keep up with this. I guess it’s not that odd for Ozzy to be wearing a housedress and platform shoes, but why the red spandex Bill Ward? Why oh why? No one needs to see that. Also, Tony Iommi has pants that ride above his elbow. They just don’t make them like that anymore.
Kjell Kraghe: Vind I Seglen (“Wind in the Sails” – 1981)
Oh ya… here in Sveden it’s so nice to sail da high seas.. Vee only geet enough sunlight for 6 months in da year and.. HOLY FUCK!! HARD TO PORT, HARD TO PORT!!!
Eilert Pilarm: Eilerts Jul (“Eilert’s Christmas” – 2001)
You have some explaining to do, Eric Wareheim.