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5 things I just don’t get…

and most likely never will..

As I get older, I feel less and less of a need pretend, or even attempt to like that which the masses do. This may sound like an obnoxious hipster screed, but the shit that crowd likes (while they ironically try to make their “individual marks” while obviously congregating to the same music, art, style, etc) is at the top of the list. That’s not to say I care whether something is trendy hipster candy or not. That’s the point. Getting old enough to not care whether you fit in with any crowd is incredibly liberating. But it does lead to me to ask why certain music, TV, art, food, etc. is popular with the general public, or my friends/peers/family. So here’s a list of some stuff that just hasn’t clicked with me, and may never.

Warning: This blog entry will be filled with generalizations and declarations that are bound to piss you (some of you) off. Enjoy!

5. Raves

If anyone reading this knows me personally, they may be detecting the stench of hypocrisy. I do, as a side business, partner with a guy who throws these things. At one point recently I even worked doors and set up lasers, some of which I own. But unlike my partner, I’m in it for the little bit of extra cash, not the love of the rave. I include this because the whole rave thing exploded when I was in high school.

I guess if I was more into the requisite drugs and music, I’d enjoy these more. The only thing I do like are the requisite girls’ outfits.. but there are other venues to experience this.. like the beach, where there’s no obnoxious blaring music and retina-melting lasers. If given an invitation by a hot girl to go to a rave, I’d much rather go by myself to the library. And while that statement might make pseudo nerd-girls swoon, in reality they’d probably want to really actually go to the rave, and I really actually would rather go to the goddamn library.

4. Burning Man

look.. it’s a man.. and it is burning

I’m fully aware that every generation needs its Woodstock. Since my generation is full of wit and originality.. ours was.. Woodstock.. rebooted. The 90s versions had musical line-ups that were markedly weaker than the original, but since modern music festivals are about everything but the music, no one much cared. Also because my generation has 800% more idiots, poseurs, and sociopaths, the 90s festivals were a lot less about peace and love and were fittingly more memorable for rapes, fires, vandalism, and various  other forms of mayhem.

So enter Burning Man. A yearly neo-hippy-ish new age art extravaganza in the American West. It reeks of less corporate stench than the Woodstock reboots, but still offers a decent chance of sexual assault or robbery. Good times. Now I’ll be honest, I’ve never been. I’m sure if I went, I’d be sure to find plenty to amuse me for a day or 2. And I’ve heard 1st hand that unlike most concerts or festivals where concert-goers behave as cliquish as high school, Burning Man does indeed become a real peace/love/share the drugs and do my girl community. Great.. still doesn’t appeal to me. I’m a real live square, man. Sue me.

3. Seinfeld

Guess who has the boner..

Whoa.. we’ve changed gears now, haven’t we? Yup. So damn near every friend I’ve ever had either likes or loves this show. But why? It’s your typical sit-com, but with a little more in your face sexual innuendo that inspires ridiculous controversy and subsequent lawsuits. It’s every bit as unrealistic and corny as Perfect Strangers, and that fucking cheesy bass lick segue is nauseating. Jerry Seinfeld has a stand-up act that barely qualifies as “funny” (What’s with all this airline food!!??) and then waters it down a bit for the show. Is that an improvement?

And Michael Richards has never said or done anything funny until he lost his mind and went on a racist rant during a stand-up gig. (The impromptu Dr. Laura-like n-word rant wasn’t funny of course, but watching a no-talent hack crash and burn and the subsequent fumbling apology attempts were fucking comedy gold) Of course that begged an important question.. why was anyone at a Michael Richards stand-up gig, let alone filming? Anyway, I’ve watched plenty of this show, entire episodes-worth, and.. yea.. nothing. Jason Alexander offers a laugh or 2 at times.. not enough to watch this show. Plus it’s hard to forgive him for THIS.

2. Louis CK

Oh boy.. whatever friends I didn’t manage to lose with my trashing Seinfeld are surely gone now. My friends don’t just like Louis CK, they worship him like a fucking god. You’d think this guy is George Carlin mixed with Richard Pryor channeling Bill Hicks and dispensing Twix bars to his audience. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve watched several episodes of Louie, and seen the stand-up act, and it’s fine. Not bad. Certainly can kill 30 minutes if you’re bored. But this guy is the new savior of comedy? I don’t get it.

A lot of my friends might tell me I just have to ingest more and I’ll get it. Maybe. But typically if comedy works for me, it works right away, or not at all. Now granted, I have had lots of friends (and every single ex) who just didn’t get Mystery Science Theater 3000. I questioned their sanity because of this, and they must question mine for my lack of reverence for King Louie. So be it.

1. The Dan Brown Saga

The movies were well made, well-directed, decently acted, and pretty damn boring. I, unlike everyone else on Earth apparently, couldn’t even make it through the first book. I love a good mystery/2000 year old conspiracy as much as the next guy. I definitely love movies that really piss off the Church. I also don’t care. The subject matter just wasn’t all that interesting to me. So this story says there was a secret order of knights and Mary Magdalene was a lot more important than history states, and there’s a line of Jesus descendents all over the goddamn world. While that’s an interesting critique on feminism, everything about modern religious dogma is patriarchal oppressive bullshit no matter how you slice it. My question as I was watching and reading was… “And???”

Not to mention, Dan Brown basically ripped off the entire thing, practically verbatim, from a book written by some other dudes called Holy Blood, Holy Grail. No really, click the link. That book critique is from before Brown released The Da Vinci Code. It bugs me a little when something blows up huge that just ripped something else off. I know it happens all the damn time.. but.. yea.

Feel free to comment about how wrong I am about all of this.


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