5 pieces of sex advice from violent lunatic virgins

So evidently there is a website called BroBible.com. As the name suggests, it’s a site for dudes, dude. Good, wholesome, American dudes who love pounding hot babes, then high-fiving about it. And they have a featured page called 5 Exercises That Will Make You Better at Having Sex. It reads as if written by the result of a mad scientist’s experiment to cross-breed a frat boy with a homicidal gorilla. That, or it’s copied and pasted from a Star Trek fan-fic Klingon sex tips guide. Either way, clearly written by someone or something that won’t be having actual (consensual) sex with an actual woman anytime soon.

According to the dudes at BroBible.com, sex with a woman is something akin to Gladiatorial combat or Navy Seal training. You better be fucking prepared, or you will come out a mangled, bloody corpse. The site itself is painfully rife with horrific pointers on how to be a pathetic one-dimensional made-for-TV archetype or professional misogynist, whichever comes first.


method actor


The title of the column seems standard enough for the internet, until you start reading and soaking in the premise. Again, this isn’t a sex tips page for people who don’t belong in a straight jacket, or might actually have sex with a woman one day, like tricks to keep from premature ejaculation or the elusive G-spot hunt. The 5 pro-tips range from the laugh out loud asinine to the frighteningly psychopathic.  This page is literally a series exercises you do at the gym to help you fuck, finger, and tongue thrust considerably more violently then actual people do these things. It’s laid out in a way one might read tips on how to hit harder as a linebacker, or finally max out your bench-press.

I’ve never existed in a world where a woman’s body was treated as if a beast to be conquered, or laborious physical trial to be overcome with brute strength. I guess in the eyes of those who exist in the BroBible.com world, that makes me an incredibly manly stud machine for not needing their sex training regiment, or a girly quasi-gay homo wuss for not wanting it.


This is the headline picture for the article, displaying the enemy.. doing her own preparation to murder you with her vagina


I’ll go through each of the 5 “steps,” and give you some highlights from each one, along with the picture they included for each section. Buckle up cowboy, we’re headed for some ab-burnin’, pec-torchin’, glute-bustin’ mayhem.. all in the name of brutally punishing the woman you love.. with your cock.




Ok.. right away there are lots of red flags. First off, maybe while in the locker room we’ve overheard stories about a girl that required some measure of “glute activation” and “injury reduction” training. In real life, unless you’re morbidly obese or incredibly weak and uncoordinated enough to be considered physically handicapped, you shouldn’t need a complicated exercise routine to be prepared to have a girl sit on your dick. If you are any of those aforementioned things, I’d think the least of your concerns would be your ability to satisfy all the Kate Upton-like women who are lining up to go “cowgirl” on you.

Secondly, the actual exercise is designed to tighten your sweet ass, cowboy. (Gluteus Maximus, in case you were confused what part of the anatomy that was) Remember, this a dude website about dude things… for having sex with… girls… right?


Should I be concerned with having burgundy-colored semen?



Ah.. well at least this one makes a little sense. Ok, no, not really. But it does, as its standard bearer, openly idolize perhaps the most famous modern serial womanizing, philandering, misogynistic asshole of our time, AHHHHHNOLD! Maybe they didn’t even think of that when they stuck his picture in this section and used him as an example. Maybe it’s just convenient that he pumps lots of fucking iron too.

So this is a key exercise to do if you think sex = porn. And even in most porn, the actors usually don’t bother venturing outside a standard bed or couch, or lifting girls up like toys to engage in coitus. (trust me, I’ve watched a lil’ porn here n’ there) Also, the old “standing muffdive,” even if as the article suggests you might be able to accomplish with months of difficult weight training so as to not break your spine or drop your girlfriend on her fucking head, doesn’t sound particularly comfortable for either party, even if you are able to execute it.

If we pretend the readers and writers of this site have ever actually known the touch of a living, breathing woman,  I doubt they’ve actually been in a relationship with one that lasted longer than the number of minutes the hotel was rented for. But let me tell you this.. After a certain amount of time together, getting your wife/girlfriend to agree to sex has much less to do with he promise of standing muffdives and much more to do with the promise of brevity, neatness, and doing the dishes.


It’s hard to figure why the BroBible Sexercises for dudes page has now 2 examples of women doing them. But.. whatever.



Once again this guy is very concerned with “pumping up” your ass. I’m starting to get concerned about this. However, assuming the intentions are totally No-homo©, we now know how to be very manly and swing a fucking heavy metal ball around like an imbecile for, which apparently, there was no stock photo to be found of a man doing.

Eminem’s unemployed nephew can do 5 whole push-ups




There’s finally a little bit of non-insane advice in this one.. namely that “chicks dig abs.” While this is undoubtedly often true, it’s not a prerequisite to be allowed to have sex, nor is it a physical requirement. Fat people indeed have lots of sex, as do thin or averaged-sized people without killer abs. I’m not sure most guys need a sex “advice” column to remind them that preferred attention at the beach would come in the form of a 6-pack. (of either muscles or beer) However one can indeed “get the job done in the sack” without looking like Ryan Reynolds’s airbrushed wet dream of himself. So, do pushups. At least like 5 a day. (or more if you’re a badass)






Jesus pogo-sticking Christ. I’m really not sure if the writer of this article is just having fun trying to lure idiots into doing retarded things while thinking they are improving their sex prowess.. but let me just say this. If your woman’s vagina is a cavernous hole that requires so much impact and thrust that your god damn arm starts to cramp from violent fingering, it may be time for her to consider elective surgery. That, or just blindfold her and find an empty beer keg to use. Otherwise, if you’re so god damn limp-wristed you can’t accomplish this feat on a normal girl without a Lincoln Tunnel-sized womb opening, chances are that inserting your fingers into women isn’t gonna be real high on your priority list anyway.




And with this, some clarity. This article was clearly written by someone who ‘s never even seen porn, despite their attempts to convince the reader that porn is accurate instructional videos for sex. It cites Ron Jeremy as a positive influence at the end of an article about sex and physical fitness. In case you don’t know who Ron Jeremy is..


My secret is the Glute Bridge and the Kettlebell Swing. Lol j/k I totally have a 10 inch shlong!


Pretty sure this indicates the writer has no fucking clue who Ron Jeremy is and just knows that name is associated with porn. It’s like someone who’s never played or watched baseball making a batting tips video and telling viewers that soon they’ll be hitting home runs like Roger Clemens. In closing, they again mention the elusive standing muffdive. I’m pretty sure if you asked the author to illustrate what this act consists of, they’d probably draw you a picture of a circus clown riding an escalator. Anyone can mash bits of overheard nonsense together and call it an advice blog, including the hopelessly stupid and the criminally insane. If you read this page for “sex advice,” you may qualify as one of those.

I Hate Movies pt. I

bridesmaid director lucas mike bay


Why bother with another pop-culture bitch-fest? Because I really used to enjoy going to the movies.. and now, I don’t. Growing up a significant part of my childhood involved going the theater and seeing stuff like: Ghostbusters, The Goonies, Weird Science, Vacation, and so forth. And I still enjoy these films, and not merely because it’s all Vintage Store-ironic and reminiscent of my childhood, but because these are endearing, well-made movies that have aged well. And no, none of these examples are amazing, revelatory works of cinematic art. They’re just good, fun, well-made movies with well-developed characters and simple, easy to follow story arcs. And of course maybe I’m just becoming the embodiment of Dana Carvey’s SNL Grumpy Old Man with all this shit. If so, enjoy anyway.


Flibbity Floo


I guess it took what a self-absorbed semi-hipster would call “introspection” to explain why for the past 10 years I could list off all the times I went to the movie theater on less than my 10 fingers. It sure sounds like arthouse dickery to proclaim that modern film-making has become formulaic schlock…  pandering attempts to reel in the widest audience possible, coherent story-telling be damned. But a recent slate of “indie” movies are some of the worst offenders, offering their own brand of pointless formula and cliches that offer infinitely more style over substance (How many n’er-do-well 30 something protagonists with existential crises do we need?)


2 words… Fuck… You


But enough with the pseudo-intellectual justification for my avoidance of movies. Here’s why they suck, very simply put:

1) Shitty, self-absorbed characters

Red Letter Media hit the nail on the head in the very first 5 minutes of the very first Star Wars Prequel review (yea, I’m going here again) in explaining why it was impossible to emotionally connect with these movies. The characters fucking sucked. Was there anything remotely relatable about Qui-Gon fucking Jinn? Sarcastic and bored Obi-Wan? Natalie Portman with a weird British robot voice? That annoying kid playing Anakin? Need I mention cocksucking Jar-Jar?


Meesa fuck your eye sockets with schlock


Maybe unless you’ve been lobotomized, it should be pretty obvious that Storytelling 101 involves a character or characters one can relate to and then invest into emotionally. So who does anyone relate to in any of the 3 prequels? Even my friends who claim they actually liked these films can’t answer that question. It’s because it can’t be answered, because the characters suck.

The SW prequels are an extreme example, but it’s part and parcel of way too many recent movies.. particularly ones geared at young people, which is troubling on many levels. For instance:

The “Paranormal Activity” movies. I’ve now seen the first 3 of these, and several knock-off straight to DVD versions. (which incidentally, are basically impossible to tell apart because of the very convenient dirt-cheap productions costs of this style of “movie”) The first one was clever and different, kinda, if you forgot Blair Witch. But then since it was successful –  and oh joy – cheap as all fuck to produce and cast, they now crank out the same shot again and again in form of sequels, offering basically nothing new from the 1st one.


This is so exciting I’m not sure I can contain my bowels..


While I was mildly entertained by the 1st one, I was bored stiff from the rest. And there are 500 reasons, not the least of which is that literally 90% of these movies involves watching home security camera footage of literally nothing, waiting for the next startle to occur.

But they could be at least a bit more compelling if you cared about the characters. And I guess maybe you kinda do, a little, in the 2d one, because it involves little kids and kids in movies are generally innocent, if gratingly fucking annoying. But the rest are upper-middle class suburbanites that prattle on about suburbanite shit like new sedans and needless crap their kids want them to buy. None of which is central to the plot. Really compelling shit.

That doesn’t even get to the horrific slate of rom-coms and raunch comedies. Where vapid, self-centered, mean-spirited one dimensional characters are celebrated. And that’s troubling. Are Bridesmaids and The Hangover movies popular because these insipid child-like narcissistic assholes portrayed on-screen somehow connect to these large audiences? What about Adam Sandler films, where cruelty, racism, and physical harm at the expense of others is celebrated like fucking Christmas?


When my shrink asks why it is I seldom venture outside my house, I cite the example that this man is considered by millions of Americans to be “funny”


Keep in mind I’m not even talking about the pathetic scripts, plots, and bad acting. Just the very nature of the characters. I’ll get into very specific examples of why characters and character development is so important, citing 2 legendary modern films, and comparing them to, yes I am fucking going here again, the good old Star Wars prequels. Then I will follow-up this new (I just decided) “Fuck Movies” series with explanations of why bad scripts, bad blocking, and cheap production keep me away from the theater. As if you cared.