Michele Bachmann’s Greatest Hits, Translated


michele-bachmann-nuts

 

 

In Chinese and back to English… in her honor

 

 

I do not know how much God politicians attention. We have earthquakes, we have a hurricane. He said, “You have to start listening to me here?” Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring. They know that the government is sitting on a morbid obesity diet, we’ve got to control expenditure.

 

 

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My mother last night after the debate in Tampa, Florida, I will tell you. She told me that her little daughter, vaccine, that injection, she suffers from mental retardation.

 

 

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I do not know what it is, the swine flu outbreak, and then another Democratic President Jimmy Carter in the 1970s. I am not accusing President Obama, I just think this is an interesting coincidence.

 

 

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I am very concerned about the international moves they’re doing, in particular, … moving from the U.S. dollar and the currencies in the world, such as Russia and China call for building.

 

 

michele-bachmann-nutsmichele-bachmann-nutsmichele-bachmann-nuts

 

 

What a strange era, when the judge will say to little children, you can not say oath of allegiance, but you must understand that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.

 

 

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There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.

 

 

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Standardization [homosexuality] through desensitization. To do this is a very effective method is a bunch of sophomores, for example, a teacher might say, “You know the gay music written for the movie:” My Pictures “The Lion King” Well, I do so because I’m gay.

 

 

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The carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But no study showed that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas, can be produced

 

 

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A woman (Terri Schiavo) is healthy. Brain damage, there is no problem. However, from the health point of view, she was not terminally ill.

 

 

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Know this is terrible, in the African-American community, 50% of African-Americans in the United States end in abortion, pregnancy 50%. This is a genocide of African Americans in the United States. It should not be. Americans in this country, who are willing to take the African-American babies, but they can not because 50 percent of all African-American pregnancies end in abortion today.

 

 

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If we look at the history of the United States, between 1942 and 1947, the data collected by the Census Bureau was handed over the FBI and other organizations at the request of President Roosevelt, and how Japan is rounded up andput into detention camps. I am not saying that this is the intention of the Administration to do so, but I would say that private personal information to the Census Bureau in 1940 to be used against Americans round up, a violation of their constitutional rights, and Japan detention camps

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

zicYK

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Deranged Maryland sorrority girl email rant, translated..


into Korean and back into English via Google Translate. Why? Because I can.

 

 

Opened to tie yourself to the chair you’re sitting under, because you just fucking ride via This e-mail will be told you. Case

Obviously this chapter, most people trapped under the rock your head Night events, and Sigma Nu in terms of social interaction, we were fucking. I brought the text for the text to eat LITERALLY people and too awkward and boring fucking fucking. You to read right now, you fucking punch yourself in the face right now do not say to yourself “But they like Julia, I this week with my sister too was fun!” If you can do it yourself in campus can be found.

Does Sigma Nu sister does not provide a flying fuck how much you love to talk to you, not flying fucking sex. Sisters Kanji 1 year 361 days out of the week, I’m one of them is not fucking do not repeat. Confrontation we’re standing around talking to each other, to foster a relationship of Greek society for the week, it’s not fucking possible. You stupid dick Newsflash: FRATS do not like boring women’s organizations. Newsflash Double Oh FUCKING wait. SIGMA NU we SUCK, you stupid, and damn, the SO FAR SUCK But if you need to spell it out for you, if you fucking do not want to hang out, and the United States is about the post-game in front of the other fraternity brothers SIGMA NU that you talk openly joke.

 

 

the Unites States is about the post game

 

You’re retarded? Literally it’s not a rhetorical question, in other words, if the Night event, do not move you anymore, so I mentally degradation email me, I would like to send. “Yeah, we’re invited Zeta” publicly the Sigma Nu, you happy? Would you like to you? FUCK YOU to them and why you do not do not know? In front of THEM! The other frats than in the case, your brother, your boyfriend, it must be post-game I do not care, college students, or the entire family. You do not go. You. Do not do it. GO. And you do not hurt another woman persuaded to leave with you, especially.

“But Julia, I read this e-mail” when you say “a little harder on your computer screen with a bad voice in all sports, something does not compute to our team did you cheer?” No stupid ass hat, IT does not nourish. Why are you fucking know? It does not count because I’ve been fucking at the event of too sober FUCKING.

 

Too sober fucking

 

(For example, things such as the presence of the stupid shit saying “DURR kickball?” A fucking WEIRD for text is not fucking fun) Sports’ve gotten, as well as people I but I’m opposed for people to The team actually been rooting for text. The opposite. What the hell. Team. Are you stupid? I do not care about sportsmanship, you fucking rooting for our sports games have never been the other one, you do not? Are you BLIND? Or density, damn you

 

Density, damn you

 

to be a sponsor of Greek society against our just trying to create a happy people like you who think about what it means to you? Well it’s time someone like nobody fucking our FUCKING MATCHUP, you did not say. I fucking cunt punt to the next person I hear such a thing, you Sor me if I FUCKING assault does not matter.

“Oh Julia, Oh so email me so sad because I was crying now.” So good. This e-mail if you night and day do weird shit weird shit in the corner, some asshole, that apply to you in any way, this message is for you:

 

me so sad

 
I do not go to the events of today.

I’m not a joke. Do not move. You not doing anything that I mentioned in the email, you can do these things, seriously, if this is a rare disease in this chapter, HORRIBLE, I repeat HORRIBLE PR. 40 girls rather interesting to talk to the boy, and is a son of a bitch I is not fucking awkward at least 80. You rot “nooo, I’m too serious, tell the boy,” If there is one man who told me, then I pity you because you have in your life so far, and do not know how you like our It does not display for the chapter, and do not try to stop a fucking cock block, fuck. Sincerely. I look at today’s event a fucking mistake, I fucking swear, you’re awake, even if to tell you to leave. I’m not kidding. Look at me.

 

 

 

To people who offend in this email, I will apologize, but I really do not care. Get out.

More Bro-Wisdom from the Bro-Bible


In a recent post, I detailed how the Bros at BroBible.com wanted to prepare you for sex with a woman as if such an act was analogous to wrestling with hungry alligators. While it was surely sage advice, the same audience of shut-ins with severe brain trauma apparently need more advice, so there’s a write-in column. Sort of like Dear Abby for retards. Let’s have a look, shall we?

 

 

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From the April 30,2013 edition:

 

Q: I need a male perspective to solve a debate between my friend and I (we’re both girls).

She claims that given the choice between a loud, boisterous, sexy chick who loves to drink and fuck and is fantastic at both and will let their man go completely wild, but can sometimes be sloppy, bitchy, skanky, and generally not classy and gross, or a calm, elegant, mature, classy, wifely, sandwich-making, girl-next door who will always support them, but is a total prude who hates sex, sucks in bed, and will rarely let them touch her, any bro would go for the latter because she’s “marriage material” and more “worthy” of staying with, because she’s “better” for him.

I say they’d think with their dicks and go for the slutty one who’s more likely to fuck ’em.

Who’s right?

 

I do like how right off the bat the Bros throw us for a curveball and publish a question conjured up by the combined intellect of two (supposed) women. Now let me first explain that what saves me from giving up and praying for Armageddon is the assumption that this site is satire, or semi-serious, but fake. It’s just not feasible that real people think, let alone say shit like this in real life.

Assuming for a second the “question” is legit, which it isn’t, these women, and ostensibly, the men they are trying to attract, see the world in a simple dichotomous prism; wherein women are either wild, raunchy, whorishly-dressed nymphomaniacs or, if even outwardly demure, wear chastity belts and pray for lifelong abstinence.

This notion is so incredibly stupid, naive, and insulting, it’s a wonder the internet itself doesn’t become self-aware and refuse to allow this page to exist. Yet here it stands, and I hate myself a bit for supplying it with a web hit.

Anyway.. onto the given “advice” for these fine ladies’ query:

 

A: Well, shit. You’re both right. Kind of. 

I don’t care what anyone says, dudes love chicks with overflowing cleavage, defunct morals, painted on dresses, 17-inch heels and a vegetable drawer full of stinky cucumbers at home. If we didn’t, porn would look a fuckload different, wouldn’t it? Hell, I can’t remember the last time I fapped it to some wholesome-looking girl because that last time never happened. 

/remembers to clear browser history 

The thing is, though, when you peel back the layers of makeup and filth OR you sober up, the vast majority of these “leave nothing to the imagination” type chicks are abominable. Sure, she is still perfect in that she is turned on by your audible farts, but this is certainly not the kind of broad you would want to be seen with in daylight.

So while we want the dirty, sexy girls, we don’t necessarily want to wake up next to them for the rest of our lives. And since you’ve given me no middle-ground option to choose from in this wildly lopsided scenario you provided, then I think a majority of us, who aren’t bikers, rappers, or greased-up Guidos would choose the classy prude. At least with them, you can be seen in public.

 

See, this is where the site rides a fine line.. If it is satire, then it’s actually kinda funny. But if it isn’t, I’m going to kill myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At least during the last part the advice-giver acknowledges these women have given no middle ground where actual human beings exist, but goes on to advise that most “Bros” would choose “the prude,” while throwing in some racial epithets for good measure.

 

Next Question:

 

Q: A good friend of mine asked if she can used my computer to check her email in class. When I got home I noticed that she left her email open. After a quick glance I found a few sex videos and nudes pictures of her. Which I downloaded and saved.

She is a hard 10 and everyone in this city is over her like crazy, and to make matters better she is on the verge of becoming a cheerleader for an NFL team.

Should I share the pictures with all the bros? Keep em for personal enjoyment? Or sell them?

 

I don’t know about you, but I just hate it when my female NFL Cheerleader friends use my computer and forget to log out of their email, leaving me to access all of their self-shot porn videos and whatnot. Don’t they realize how much browser cache space that takes up on my disk? So.. advice? Violate my “friend’s” privacy and sell her personal videos for profit, or just furiously maturate to them?

 

A: Well, most fantastic friend earth has ever seen, since you seem deserving let me see if I can help you out.

Your opener was basically, “A good friend of mine needed a favor so naturally I helped her out. NO BIG DEAL. I’m a great guy like that,” which no longer seems sincere after you closed by telling us you took her property and you’re thinking about parlaying that theft into personal profit. Not to mention all the jerking off you’ve probably done to her videos between now and the time you actually stole them.

Best friend ever? You’re running unopposed if you ask me.

In any event, I don’t moonlight at fucking Legal Zoom, so I have no idea if anything you’ve already done, or intend to do, is illegal. And although she left it open on your computer, the law might see jacking her files as theft. For Christ’s sake, people find lost iPhones these days, decide to keep them as their own, and get accused of stealing. Like it’s their fault some guy left it sitting on the toilet paper dispenser during his shit break.

If I were you (see: a used condom) I’d look into the legality of what I’ve already done before I do anything else. I’d also think about what leaking these sex-vids would do to this so-called friend of yours. Just because she won’t fuck you (I mean, if she would, you wouldn’t even be considering any of this) doesn’t give you carte blanche to ruin her life.

 

Well I’ll be damned, some advice that sounds like it wasn’t penned by someone who’s criminally insane. Just a troll job? A little nugget to make the reader believe the act a bit? Doesn’t really matter, because the advice to someone who if they exist is clearly criminally insane will fall on deaf (and insane) ears.

 

Neeeeeeeeext:

 

Q: I’ve been going through a classic rock phase recently and have stumbled across Fleetwood Mac. Now in my opinion they’re a great band, but I’ve made deeper cuts into Stevie Nicks solo career. Is it bro to rock out to a female rock star or should I stick to my guns of Fleetwood Mac as a whole?

 

Hmm.. curious one. I guess what this guy was expecting to hear may have been something like:

 

“Oh my fucking god are you serious, queer-boy? I’m actually surprised you managed to write an email with that many cocks in your mouth. Stevie Nicks Solo??? Tell you what.. Go down to the thrift shop and buy a dress, shave your legs, and head downtown to find the gay bars. Triumphantly kick open the door and announced you’ve come out, and have 20-something years of lost cock-swallowing to catch up on. Oh, and also, YOU’RE GAY!! Fucking Stevie Nicks.. Jesus Cunt-smashing Christ..”

 

What he actually said was:

 

A: Fuck it, Bro. If Stevie Nicks sends good vibes into your dickhole and her lyrical styling cuts deep in to your soul, roll with it. Thunder only happens when it’s raining, ya heard?

 

Ok, well my fantasy answer was actually quite a bit more coherent than whatever language that was. Also, in all seriousness, solo Stevie Nicks? Yea dude, you’re probably gay.

Fear not, Republicans are here to protect you..


So, it’s been a while. But, well, fuck it. You don’t really care why and I don’t care to waste time explaining, so who cares when my last blog post was.

so anyway..

 

If there’s one consistent theme with Republicans, it’s that they hate the idea of  “The Nanny State.” Of course, to them, that means corporate handouts and tax breaks for super rich guys and corporations are cool, but enough hand-outs to those god damn drug-using lazy, good-for-nothing poors.

But let’s pretend for a second this Nanny State thing was actually, well, a thing. A real principle that Republicans actually didn’t like and wanted to stop. If that was the case why are they busy chasing boogey men to protect us all the time? I mean, this is a party that’s real big on memes like “freedom,” “stopping government waste,” “not wasting time legislating non-existent problems,” and “smaller government.” Ok.. well if that were all true, why are they always trying to protect the American people from scary, dangerous things like..

LOWERING CARBON EMISSIONS

Yup, despite the mountain of evidence from an overwhelming plurality of climate scientists that this shit is real, and we’re like totally fucked, Republicans are still fighting this tooth-and-nail, all the damn time. But the questions is.. well , why? Would it really be a terrible thing to become less reliant on petroleum, this reliance being the centerpiece for countless wars and decades of terror and violence over the power struggle for Middle East Oil?

Well, Republicans say yes, because things like Cap and Trade could hurt the economy. In the scope of how completely fucked we will be by not doing anything, this logic is kind of like refusing to open the emergency door of a sinking airplane because you might sprain your wrist. But since the issue has become political, and political hacks have come to hate their political rivals so much they will actually try to fuck themselves and the environment purely out of spite, 97% of climate scientists sounding a warning while 3% of shittier climate scientists aren’t so sure is still somehow a “debate” in this country.

Of course we know the real reason. The Oil Lobby pays a little bet better than the Climate Change one. But, let’s just assume for the time being that our freedom-loving Nanny State-loathing GOP Congressmen are merely protecting us from the evils of stopping Climate Change.

They also need to protect us from..

COMMIES!!

So yea, Communism is still a thing, kinda.. The last dying breaths of the Castro regime are still trying to make it work in Cuba. The Chinese are still kinda… Communist, if by Communist you mean having the fastest growing economy on the goddamn planet. Vietnam and North Korea are still Communist, with the latter convincing some very stupid Americans that they actually have the capacity to wage any kind of successful war on the U.S.

Although the Cold War-era fear that an attempted worldwide Commie takeover attempt was inevitable seems more dated than an episode of Kojak, that hasn’t stopped some Republicans from going all retro vintage hipster on us with some good ol-fashioned Red Scare tactics. And, like hipsters donning Vans and acid wash jeans, it’s obnoxious and stupid.

Our look is like… so fresh and unique

 

Not sure if the Nouveau-McCarthy thing is a fad or here to stay, but it would surely get some mileage with my grandparents, if they were still alive. In any event, thank you good Republicans, for keeping us safe from Stalin’s ghost and the coming army of Vladimir Putin clones cavalry..

 

Which brings us to the biggest, scariest, most unholy boogeyman of  them all… that Republicans need to bravely protect us from..

 

 

 

 

TEH GAYS!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes, there is nothing scarier than the idea of gay people actually being allowed to live their lives with the same freedoms from prejudice and bigotry that us straight people take for granted. Things like… being able to take someone you like on a date.. possibly holding hands with that person, or god forbid actually kissing them on the lips where someone else might see, and oh lord protect us, getting married. When those uppity gays have the nerve to want to do those things that everyone else does without the fear of getting their teeth kicked in, those brave Republicans step to the plate to save us from the horror.

If I were a small child, or extremely juvenile and/or a closeted homosexual myself, these quotes from Republican politicians would probably have me hiding in fear of the reign of terror teh gays were trying to unleash upon me and the rest of the nation..

 

 

“If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does.” – Rick Santorum

“If you’re involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it’s bondage. It is personal bondage, personal despair and personal enslavement.” – Michele Bachman

“Homosexuals account for half the murders in large cities” – an article posted (not penned by) Dave Agema

“That would be like saying, well there’s there are a lot of people who like to use drugs so let’s go ahead and accommodate those who want to use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, should we accommodate them?” – Mike Huckabee, on civil rights for homosexuals

 

 

Well, shit. It’s no wonder we need protection from this bunch of sadistic, hedonistic animals that totally want to put us in bondage (the bad kind), be polygamist drug users having incest, screw our wives, and then fucking murder us! It’s not really being the Nanny-state nanny when you’re just trying to save fucking children from a god damn cult of murdering psychotic drug-using uncle-fuckers. That’s just common decency. Thank you Republicans. Thank you for fighting the good fight.