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Fear not, Republicans are here to protect you..


So, it’s been a while. But, well, fuck it. You don’t really care why and I don’t care to waste time explaining, so who cares when my last blog post was.

so anyway..

 

If there’s one consistent theme with Republicans, it’s that they hate the idea of  “The Nanny State.” Of course, to them, that means corporate handouts and tax breaks for super rich guys and corporations are cool, but enough hand-outs to those god damn drug-using lazy, good-for-nothing poors.

But let’s pretend for a second this Nanny State thing was actually, well, a thing. A real principle that Republicans actually didn’t like and wanted to stop. If that was the case why are they busy chasing boogey men to protect us all the time? I mean, this is a party that’s real big on memes like “freedom,” “stopping government waste,” “not wasting time legislating non-existent problems,” and “smaller government.” Ok.. well if that were all true, why are they always trying to protect the American people from scary, dangerous things like..

LOWERING CARBON EMISSIONS

Yup, despite the mountain of evidence from an overwhelming plurality of climate scientists that this shit is real, and we’re like totally fucked, Republicans are still fighting this tooth-and-nail, all the damn time. But the questions is.. well , why? Would it really be a terrible thing to become less reliant on petroleum, this reliance being the centerpiece for countless wars and decades of terror and violence over the power struggle for Middle East Oil?

Well, Republicans say yes, because things like Cap and Trade could hurt the economy. In the scope of how completely fucked we will be by not doing anything, this logic is kind of like refusing to open the emergency door of a sinking airplane because you might sprain your wrist. But since the issue has become political, and political hacks have come to hate their political rivals so much they will actually try to fuck themselves and the environment purely out of spite, 97% of climate scientists sounding a warning while 3% of shittier climate scientists aren’t so sure is still somehow a “debate” in this country.

Of course we know the real reason. The Oil Lobby pays a little bet better than the Climate Change one. But, let’s just assume for the time being that our freedom-loving Nanny State-loathing GOP Congressmen are merely protecting us from the evils of stopping Climate Change.

They also need to protect us from..

COMMIES!!

So yea, Communism is still a thing, kinda.. The last dying breaths of the Castro regime are still trying to make it work in Cuba. The Chinese are still kinda… Communist, if by Communist you mean having the fastest growing economy on the goddamn planet. Vietnam and North Korea are still Communist, with the latter convincing some very stupid Americans that they actually have the capacity to wage any kind of successful war on the U.S.

Although the Cold War-era fear that an attempted worldwide Commie takeover attempt was inevitable seems more dated than an episode of Kojak, that hasn’t stopped some Republicans from going all retro vintage hipster on us with some good ol-fashioned Red Scare tactics. And, like hipsters donning Vans and acid wash jeans, it’s obnoxious and stupid.

Our look is like… so fresh and unique

 

Not sure if the Nouveau-McCarthy thing is a fad or here to stay, but it would surely get some mileage with my grandparents, if they were still alive. In any event, thank you good Republicans, for keeping us safe from Stalin’s ghost and the coming army of Vladimir Putin clones cavalry..

 

Which brings us to the biggest, scariest, most unholy boogeyman of  them all… that Republicans need to bravely protect us from..

 

 

 

 

TEH GAYS!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes, there is nothing scarier than the idea of gay people actually being allowed to live their lives with the same freedoms from prejudice and bigotry that us straight people take for granted. Things like… being able to take someone you like on a date.. possibly holding hands with that person, or god forbid actually kissing them on the lips where someone else might see, and oh lord protect us, getting married. When those uppity gays have the nerve to want to do those things that everyone else does without the fear of getting their teeth kicked in, those brave Republicans step to the plate to save us from the horror.

If I were a small child, or extremely juvenile and/or a closeted homosexual myself, these quotes from Republican politicians would probably have me hiding in fear of the reign of terror teh gays were trying to unleash upon me and the rest of the nation..

 

 

“If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does.” – Rick Santorum

“If you’re involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it’s bondage. It is personal bondage, personal despair and personal enslavement.” – Michele Bachman

“Homosexuals account for half the murders in large cities” – an article posted (not penned by) Dave Agema

“That would be like saying, well there’s there are a lot of people who like to use drugs so let’s go ahead and accommodate those who want to use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, should we accommodate them?” – Mike Huckabee, on civil rights for homosexuals

 

 

Well, shit. It’s no wonder we need protection from this bunch of sadistic, hedonistic animals that totally want to put us in bondage (the bad kind), be polygamist drug users having incest, screw our wives, and then fucking murder us! It’s not really being the Nanny-state nanny when you’re just trying to save fucking children from a god damn cult of murdering psychotic drug-using uncle-fuckers. That’s just common decency. Thank you Republicans. Thank you for fighting the good fight.

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