Jan takes us to space..


Jan’s back, and she means business. For this edition of Jansanity, we’re going on a trip. From the video it may look like 4 broads with bad hair in silver jump suits train-hopping on and off the Chicago Metro, but we’re going all the way to Mars.

 

Pictured: Mars…. or something..

While watching Jan Terri videos, I find it’s best to have a sort of guide to better understand them. So I’ve devised a ratings system to help us categorize and discern them better.

Level 1 – Stupid

Level 2 – Ludicrous (and stupid)

Level 3 – Cold War-era East German Surrealist Arthouse Insanity ( + stupid)

“Journey to Mars” is about a level 8. So much in this song and video is so astoundingly ridiculous, I’m right on the border of giving up and declaring the joke is on me. But there’s a cold, stern seriousness and sense of purpose in Jan’s eyes every time she says “Beam Me up Scotty.” Sasha Baron Cohen can’t stay in that sort of character after 3 months of method acting, so I just can’t believe Jan is faking.

**note** All Jan Terri songs are human rights violations against those who listen to music, so my ratings only apply to the video/lyrical content

I’m not going to give a blow-by-blow account of everything happening in this video, because that would leave me crying and bleating at my keyboard for answers… answers that the universe can not provide me with. So I’ll just give you a few of the highlights. Then you will watch. God damn you, you will watch every second of it.

 

HELLO???!!!!!!!!???!!!


Right from the start, Jan clearly rips off some sort of early 90s digital sci-fi animation. The minute of credits at the end (a Jan Terri specialty) mentions nothing about this animation, inferring Jan just made it happen, organically, somehow. I’d say it was a decent gamble that no one was going to sue for usage of this animation.

At the 0:22 mark, there’s Jan in all her glory, with nauseating terrible 80s video effects. Notice the fanny pack prominently displayed, and how the first line of the 1st verse is sung painfully off-key. Jan is storming out of the fucking gate this time.

– 0:38 “It’ll be such an adventure for YooUUooUoouooUUoooo”

– 1:43. Key change! Jan showing off her musical chops.. and her chops in general. then at 1:48.. “It will be fuuuUUuuuUUuuuuuuunnn!” Yes, the word “fun” is used with about 6 syllables and 6 different musical notes. None of which Jan can hit. At this point my girlfriend gave me a look of disdain I’ll never forget for making her watch this. But I gently encouraged her to keep watching.

 

 

– 2:09. “We’ll see different galaxies.” Two interesting points here. One.. now instead of taking a one syllable word and trying to stretch it into 6 notes and syllables, Jan takes a 3 syllable word and crunches it into a one note section that needed a one syllable word. Not to mention, Mars is in our solar system, and our galaxy. It would be a very inconvenient trip to explore “different galaxies” on a journey to Mars, Jan.

 

 

 

Jan…. Jannie… you with me? JAN?????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HELLO???!!!!!!!!???!!!

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More sh*% my sister used to watch : It’s a Living


So's ditch digging, honey..

Imagine these lyrics being shrieked at you as if by 5 middle-aged women you had scorned terribly:

LIFE’S NOT… THE FRENCH RIVIERA!!!!

LIFE’S NOT… A CHARITY BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, no need it imagine. Here, check it out:

 

I had no idea at 12 what I had done to piss these women off so much.. but it was good practice to get used to being yelled at with seething resent by various women for reasons I couldn’t fathom.

Anyway, if you recall, I lamented that my sister absolutely adored a terribly cheesy Canadian kid’s show called Today’s Special. And I mentioned that any mere suggestion that the channel should be changed during said show was met with shrieks and wails at incredible decibels. Well, for It’s a Living, the same suggestion of alternate programming was met with similar auditory assaults, along with projectiles and terrorist threats. I guess we were gonna watch the show.

This spritely pile of dung was a dramatization of the lives of 5 or so cocktail waitresses who worked at a snazzy restaurant in L.A.’s Bonaventure Hotel. The main crux of every subplot seemed to revolve around the women warding off the advances of the sleazy piano-man Sonny, played by Paul Kreppel, who according to Wikipedia is “best known” for this role. Bravo, Paul.

Relax toots, It's 1985. "Sexual Harassment" isn't even a thing yet.. What? What'd I say?

Of course, this was 80s sit-com land. So Sonny’s antics are met with canned laughter and considered endearing. Even at 12 I realized that lawsuits and mace were much more likely.

So, as annoying as Sonny was and every insipid mundane plot, which to my recollection always revolved around some rich guy visiting the hotel and wooing one of the “gals,” always leading inevitably to the guy flaking out or being married (ok, so some of the show was believable), things just got dumber and dumber with each successive show.

The presence of Ann Jillian did nothing to lessen the pain..

When a show runs for too long, and this one died and then was resuscitated exclusively for syndication (didn’t know they even did that), you have to up the ante for each show to keep the viewer interested. It’s why every South Park and Simpsons episode has been basically re-hashed 8 or 9 times, but they can slide in some current pop-culture to keep things “fresh.”

But with TV dramas and sitcoms, it’s not as easy. So to keep viewers interested in this one, things just got more and more hysterically stupid. We had: Bomb threats, terrorist-hostage standoffs, drug busts gone bad, CIA surveillance, spy vs. spy action, mafia shoot-outs… The Bonaventure restaurant became the craziest most dangerous goddam place in the country to work. And these gals were undeterred. Hey, it’s a living.

I remember laughing out loud at the sheer stupidity of it all, not to mention every episode was shot with soft soap opera-lighting and community theater understudy acting. There is fun, campy 80s cheese, and then there is pain. This was mostly pain.

Ann Jillian was pretty hot, and she's a cancer survivor.. so there's that.

I desperately wanted to find a clip from the “Hostage” episode.. there was at least one, maybe several. But alas, no luck on the youtubes. So here’s a little taste of the madcap hilarity of: A creepy would-be sex offender pianist, 5 attractive ladies who came to L.A. to be stars and got stuck waiting tables with said creep coming on to them all shift, every shift, their bitchy boss who doesn’t say or do much but gripe about having the most incompetent wait-staff in L.A., a fatherly type chef I don’t remember at all, and the very dangerous unpredictable world of L.A. hotel dining.

The “joke” here in this episode is that these folks have come to dine at the top of a very big hotel, and they are afraid of heights. So the waitress ignores their desperate please to just shut up and take their orders, and does everything in her power to make them lose their shit. This woman is either a sadistic fuck or a complete moron. We are supposed to believe these people work for tips? Anyway, this kind of violent dislogic permeated every excruciating 60 minutes of every show. So have a little taste of what I had to endure for several years, every weekday at 5:30 on TBS.

For my Finland contingent..


I’ve noticed lately a bunch of people checking out the blog are from Finland. I have no idea why. I can’t even tell you much about Finland other than they’ve been taking shit from Russia and Germany for hundreds of years and they are not, in fact Sweden. I think my dad once hooked up with a girl from Finland during his first midlife crisis, but that’s about the closest connection I have.

Still, thanks! And now, I have something to give you back. My snarky commentary on a Finnish video I’m a big fan of, and mistakenly thought for a long while, was from Sweden. I apologize for that. But come on, how the hell is a dumb-ass American like myself supposed to tell the difference? It’s probably akin to the way a lot of Canadians are mistaken for Americans when they travel abroad. Does it piss you guys off being mistaken for Swedes? I bet it does.

How can I be sure you're not pretender?

Anyway, Tahdon olla sulle hellä, or “I wanna Love you Tender” is a hella good time. And it’s about all the cultural relativism a guy like myself has on Finland. That’s pretty unfair I realize, not to mention the video is from 1978. Still, I think this video’s main mistake was trying to sell to an American audience. There’s definitely some attempt to capture some Saturday Night Fever, combined with all logic-defying dancing with people clad in what look like parochial school cheerleading outfits. Let’s walk through the dance moves first.

The choreography starts with an uncomfortable close-up of the dancers from the right of the stage, desperately trying to remember just how many first pumps and Tourettes-like karate sky-chops come before the umpire safe-sign move, then the Saturday Night Fever thrusting hip gyrations. It’s already enough to give a normal human being permanent injuries, and we’re only about 10 seconds in.

Hey look.. it's Jän Travolta! Haha...is that even a Finnish name? Is that racist?

Next we have a move called the Ron Artest Dunk Celebration Elbow, and the ever famous Slosh to the right, then left. Now look, for all I know, these were the hottest dance moves of the day in Finland, or in Akron, circa 1978. But I’m calling them like I see them.

Then we have some point to the sky then the ground moves, then the old slosh the hell out of the way and make way for the blonde space man. Oh yea, I forgot to mention, this all takes place in…. SPACE! WHY SPACE FINNISH SONG AND DANCE MAN???

Why not?

Then our Finnish David Cassidy has a few words for the ladies, and at the end of the first verse he sure looks like he forgot what the hell to sing and is just guessing. In fact, at the 0:55 mark, he seems to be lip synching a line that isn’t there. That or he’s just mouthing the word “hot,” because… whew… let’s face it, it’s getting pretty hot in here.

Next we have the very, very lovely (although not as lovely as Danny) Armi Aavikko. Armi has a much better grasp on the lyrics, and muses “How can I be sure you’re not pretender?” Armi doesn’t have time for linking verbs. But you know what, these people are singing in pretty damn good English. Let’s see the Bee Gees sing Stayin Alive in Finnish.

Pysyä Hengissääääääääää-äääääääää-äääääääääää-äääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääähhh.. fuck it

Anyway, poor Armi pours her heart out to Danny and the jerk won’t even look at her. Next they do some kind of vibrating dance in place thing, then the dancers come marching back into the shot from either side, doing something that combines a conga line with yanking a car’s hood open lever.

The conga line finally converges and marches between our star-crossed lovers, getting us all a good close-up of each member of Dance Team Bravo. Then we get something that looks like it might have inspired Toni Basil, but isn’t all that exciting.

That is until the 1:49 mark when our Finnish Travolta analog raises the temperature another 20 degrees with some hip moves that have since been outlawed by the UN. Ahhhhh yea boiiii… If there were Swedes anywhere nearby, I’m pretty sure at this point they had just. been. served.

Then… stillness for a sec, followed by a one-legged Brian Setzer air guitar backwards hop thing. Forget about being able to actually pull off these dance moves with style, there’s no way I could have even remembered them all, or had my brain convince my body these movements made any sense at all in my dimension of spacetime.

A never before seen shot from the trailer of the never made sequel, Grease 3: In Space

Keep in mind we’re only one verse and chorus in to this video, and I already feel like I’m tripping balls. I don’t think someone actually on acid should ever be allowed to watch this video. It would just explain too much. And no one should bear the burden of that kind of knowledge.

By the 2:00 minute mark, I’m pretty sure the choreographer is just fucking with us, trying to see how much we’ll watch and still attempt to take seriously. Two girls strut in from the right side doing what looks like trying to make shadow puppets, someone follows them from the other side with what looks like a sheet of tin foil being pantomimed like it’s a boom-box, more shadow puppets, then a couple walks across the screen just flat-out dry humping for our amusement, the girl waving happily, ostensibly to her mom and dad.

I could try to describe the rest from here but I’d probably give myself an aneurism. It’s just a mess of 70s madness and Finnish sexual space-disco indulgence. I’m pretty sure this is what passes for porn in most Arab countries, and keep in mind, alien civilizations would have received this signal long before Star Trek the Next Generation or the Discovery Channel.

I don’t want to give away the big ending either, but it will probably look very familiar to something else from 1978.

So without further jäähyväiset, I bring you: I Wanna Love you Tender, by “Danny”

 

Saturday 80s video insanity : McDLT


Nice suit Jason. You come straight here from your Miami Vice audition?

As Americans, we were facing a true crisis in the 80s. If you ordered a “lettuce and tomato hamburger,” and it came from a fast food place like Micky Ds, chances are by the time you got it, it had been sitting under a heat lamp for at least 16 hours.

This of course usually led to your veggies being wilted and warm, and your burger to be at room temperature. Thankfully the Golden Arches developed a revolutionary breakthrough to combat this disaster, that they had pretty much uniquely created themselves.

The cost, environmentally, was merely using enough styrofoam for each burger that would probably only double the amount in American landfills. The cost for Jason Alexander, was merely that some snarky blogs like mine could dig up a time where he actually had hair (or a very good toupee) and no shame whatsoever.

bio-degrade-a-what? Haha, fuck that! This burger is great!

As far as awful commercials go, this is about average on the scale for Ronald McVomit. I could dedicate a whole section just to terrible Micky D’s commercials. But holy shit are Jason Alexander and his posse of desperate for work predominantly very white actors excited about this burger.

I’m not going to walk you through the entire video, such as is necessary with Jan Terri, but I at least have to point out the alarming dis-logic at the start. Jason Alexander, seemingly on a whim, announces to no one in particular, or rather asks rhetorically, “aren’t you tired of lettuce and tomato burgers that don’t quite make it?”

Instead of being met with uncomfortable half-stares and then being ignored like most schizophrenics musing random things on a city sidewalk, he immediately gains a captive audience, including a young and enthusiastic Condoleeza Rice, seen on the right.

stop... burgetime

The rest is a wild song and dance cabaret of unadulterated joy for a burger that has the audacity to not meld the temperatures of its ingredients. And now I’ll admit something to you. I ate a shitload of these burgers in the 80s. My excuse was I was about 8. So enjoy this personal slice from my childhood.

MOAR JAN TERRI!!


Look what you've done with your hair, girlfriend!

Apparently, not everyone wastes vast amounts of time looking for ridiculous old crap online like me, because I’ve gotten several messages from people who had not heard of Jan Terri before discovering her on my blog. And they want more. I shall oblige.

For this video, Jan goes a little bit country. And if you’re confused at first as to how some broad from Chicago finds her way to a local redneck dive bar, think of that scene from Blues Brothers.

See, somewhere near Chicago, apparently

So at least that part of the video is feasible, I guess. So to walk you through what you’re seeing (because Jan Terri videos could use some narration), we start out with a lovely exterior shot of the worst bar in Chicago. I’ve verified this with my friend Troy, and he would know. He’s been to all of them. Then we go inside and Jan is enjoying some beers with her posse. But it could also be a support group meeting for women with very unfortunate haircuts.

Not long after, Jan’s dream man walks through the door. This is where I have to give Jan some credit. It would fit with the absurdity of Jan Terri videos if it was Fabio, riding a white horse. But no, it’s someone’s redneck uncle. An average-looking 40-something with “baby blues,” although the quality of the original video tape is so bad, you can’t really tell what color his eyes are, although they sure seem brown. Still, way to keep it real Jan. She doesn’t try to sell us on a romance with Fabio. She’s aiming for a dude who’s a solid 5 or 6. I won’t try to assign Jan a number.

look, let's not nitpick.

Then we get to a part of the video that I had to rewind a few times to figure out. We get what seems like a random cut to a shot of Lake Michigan. On further inspection though I caught that this shot goes with the lyrics “blue enough to fill a swimming pool.” Ahhh.. I get it. If your swimming pool has waves and seagulls floating on the surface, you may need a pool man.

This is where Jan Terri is at her best. To simulate a “blue enough to fill a swimming pool” we get a shot taken from her other video, “Losing You,” of one of the Great Lakes, used as a metaphor for a man with brown eyes. AAhhhHHHhhhhhhhAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe-haw!

But we’re just getting started boys and girls. Hold on tight. So Jan and her man have an awkward introduction, and immediately start slow dancing in front of the dartboard. Then there’s a random shot of the guy talking to some dude.. then it’s our two lovebirds at a table. And it’s at this point, at the 1:24 mark, that I very nearly had to just stop. Jan starts seductively caressing the beer bottle. Oh sweet Jesus, I wish I was making that up.

Eat your heart out, Frank Stallone.

Then we get some chick playing darts, two other random women (Jan’s posse she totally ditched for Mr. brown eyes?) , more slow dancing by the dartboard (hope no one decides to start playing), an uncomfortable close up of Mr. blue.. brown eyes, more dancing, then at the 2:10 mark, a celebrity cameo: Roseanne!! With a guy who is not Tom Arnold. Scandalous!

Then the big finish is a shot of a hat and some cigarettes.. then a full minute of credits. I’m not sure why we needed a full minute of credits for a 3 minute music video, but at least it assured that everyone who was associated with this video will remain forever named.

Now, kick back and enjoy, Baby Blues.

Video fun fact! We get another close up of Jan’s man at the 2:28 mark.. and we can just about make out what he says by lip reading: “Let’s eat more hams….. meat.”

Saturday 80s Video Insanity : Today’s Special


BURN IT. WITH FIRE.

For this edition, let’s call it “Shit my sister used to watch.” Sorry sis.. I endured years of this at your hand, so enjoy the roast. Back in the 80s Nickelodeon was really the only kids’ network on basic cable. There were some great shows like You Can’t do that on Television, Out of Control, Dangermouse, and others. But there were some painfully awful ones as well. At least we were many years before “kids” networks used the banner of children’s programming to sexualize young girls.

One of these surreal crap-fests was an insipid Canadian show called Today’s Special. I think they wrote the title with anticipation this show would take place in a restaurant, then canned that idea but kept the title, because fuck you, kids. It’s about a mannequin that comes to life every night when what looks like the shittiest department store on earth closes. If that sounds familiar, don’t get excited. The mannequin looks nothing like Kim Cattrall. Instead, it’s a too effeminate to be imagined prancing sweater-vested bit of nightmare fodder who sings and dances and teaches kids the importance of how to use the “off” button on the remote control.

It’s accompanied by a retarded puppet mouse (seen above), a creepy puppet security guard with Alzheimer’s, and a lady who looks like she got all of her outfits from Goodwill in 1971. I’ll walk you through the intro then you can see the horror for yourself.

This actress's real name is Nerene Virgin. Sometimes, I don't even have to try.

We start with our lady friend, in some sort of orange Brady Bunch monstrosity for a jacket, taking the mannequin out of the store window while grandpa puppet security guard muses to himself that the store is all locked up, “as it should be.” Then the 3 go upstairs, the security guard peeks his head in a dark room and says “The coast is clear, the customers have all gone home.” Hey gramps, maybe you should have checked on that before potentially locking them in the store?

Anyway, then our lady friend sheepishly sneaks her man…nequeinn into the most depressing toy department on earth, and it’s at this point that if you can imagine a kid’s face watching this, that’s real fear in their eyes as they are wondering just what this old man, lady, and mannequin are about to start doing away from the prying eyes of the public.

Fortunately, she just puts the mannequin down then starts to scamper away as if she’s wired it to explode, but no such luck. The brain-damaged puppet mouse emerges and says something moronic, bad early 80s Canadian special effects happen, then the mannequin turns into some horrible combination of Richard Simmons and Zach Gilligan. He stumbles around like he’s on PCP, gains his footing, does a fruity twirl, a fruitier jump, then runs straight into the camera.

Yup.. don't have to say much here either.

If at this point you don’t want to punch this show in the face until it dies, you have an iron constitution, and should consider a career as a CIA operative. You are impervious to torture. That, or you’re my kid sister. Either way, next our fruity mannequin man (Was old Irish man attire popular in 1980’s Canada??) takes the hand of fashion nightmare lady.. and they run into outer space and turn into more crappy special effects.

I’m pretty sure at this point I had set fire to the couch to try to make it stop, but my sister loved these shows more than life itself. Any attempt to change the channel during Today’s Special was met with ear-piecing shrieks. So, my parents sided with quiet. Again remember, this was the 80s. Average middle class families had one TV. So Today’s Special it was. Sometimes people ask why I’m so damn angry, and I tell them, 80s kids shows. They think I’m kidding. I’m not.

Next, we get to enjoy some bad cartoon renderings of our main characters disembodied heads, floating through space. If it sounds like this “intro” lasted a half hour, it only seems that way. When we got to the actual show, things got much, much worse. Still on the into though, our next animation is an old woman riding a goose, still through outer space, (a spacegoose?) leaving behind a trail of rainbow vapor. Finally, mercifully, the last shot is another cartoon rendering of the idiot puppet muse, jumping through a computer monitor where I guess the old man security guard was surfing the net? What the hell was he doing on a PC in Canada in 1986?

Anyway, our final screen, and a woman’s voice tells us today’s special is… whatever. For this intro, it’s “adventure.” But crappy 80s show, we’ve already been on one with this fanciful intro! How much more adventure can I stand??

 

Anyway, that’s a mere taste of what awaits. Here’s a clip of some of the “action” from the show. There’s so much wrong with this sketch I don’t know where to start, so I won’t try. It’s something about a robot teaching kids how to drink juice, and then bad wardrobe lady friend gets squirted in the face.. with robot juice. Haha.. I am not making that up. She acts about how you’d expect too. And that’s only the beginning. Snidely Whiplash’s creepy uncle enters the picture and 1000 more horrific innuendos unfold. Watch.. if you think you can handle it.

Very Metal..


I.. was once, a metalhead. Well, sorta. I always liked Pink Floyd, Bauhaus, Joy Division, the Pixies, and some other very un-metal stuff. But in my early to mid teens, I got in with the metalhead crowd. And oh man, did I see some live metal. In no particular order, I saw live: Megadeth, Anthrax, Slayer, Metallica, Sepultura, Napalm Death, Sick of it All, Death (the band), Sacred Reich, Ozzy, Pantera, Motorhead, and many others. Aside from the big-named metal bands, there were some very good under the radar ones.

One such was Swedish metal band Candlemass. If you’ve ever seen Metalocolypse, you know that Scandinavians know metal like no one else. 6 months of darkness out of the year? Sign me up metal gods! Their singer, who humbly called himself “Messiah,” had one hell of a voice. Like Broadway or grand opera-quality. Pretty unique for a metal band. He also has some impressive girth and is in bad need of some conditioner.

LOOK...AT THE SIZE...OF MY NECK!!

But, as you can guess, I am not featuring them here for their talent. Like everyone else, they tried their hand at some videos in the 80s. And an early one here fails on so many levels it’s priceless. I won’t give away too much, other than it bears a striking resemblance to an awful Canadian movie the MST3K guys did once called The Final Sacrifice. Since the name of that movie might as well be any metal band’s potential debut album name, I guess it’s fitting. Anyway, enjoy some very metal 80s video insanity, “Bewitched” (although Dick York is conspicuously absent).

Saturday 80s Video Insanity: Jan Terri


**EDIT** An astute observer who shall go unnamed pointed out a bad factual error I made in this one. This video was shot in 1993, so it wouldn’t be “80s video insanity.” But I still choose to include this video, for its retro feel. Sue me.

You... yes you

Jan Terri, much like Tommy Wiseau, is an enigma of modern irreverent humor. Are we supposed to be laughing at her, or with her? Does it really matter? Look, lots of unsigned “artists” made really, really bad music videos in the 80s. Hell, I was in some. But Jan Terri’s were just downright surreal, and I’m willing to bet Jan Terri doesn’t know what that means. I know she eventually developed a cult following and even toured with Marylin Manson. But that still doesn’t explain or excuse these videos. Jan frankly looks like the love child of Dr. Steve Brule and Jabba the Hut..

and that’s the best part of these videos. Dave Mathews couldn’t write music or lyrics this bad with a massive head wound.

But is Jan “serious?” Who is her target audience? When you watch Wiseau’s “The Room,” there is definitely something Andy Kaufman-esque about the whole feel of it. Only a madman expects that movie to be taken seriously. And if Tommy is just bat-shit crazy, then the movie becomes less ironic and more sad.

Rape oyster? hah.. I was watching the turtle defecate. Bologna tree

But in Jan’s case, I think she just wrote, recorded, and starred in her music videos because she could, because…. why the fuck not? Although if she sent these off to record labels for a listen, I would have paid real money to be in that room. Anyway… here is one of Jan’s greatest “hits” :  “Losing you”

Undoubtedly, the best part of this video is at the 2:32 mark, where the camera zooms and starts pans to the right, leaving Jan out of the frame, for no apparent reason.. although personally, I could think of several. Never the less, Jan chose to keep that in the final edit. Tim & Eric work hard to capture that kind of thing for comedy’s sake.. with Jan it comes naturally. God. Given. Talent.

Saturday 80s video insanity: Crazy exercise face lady


The Reagan administration brought so much optimism to the country, middle-aged women lost the capacity to feel humiliation

All the trendy hipsters are all about the 80s. Chances are they didn’t grow up in that decade though. I did. And let me tell you, it was a weird time. And this isn’t an observation made in hindsight. I experienced the weirdness, tackiness, gluttony and premium cable boobies at 2 in the afternoon first hand, and vividly remember how “off” certain things seemed, even then. Now granted, it was probably me that was “off,” but I offer into evidence the vast stores of ridiculous videos from that time period.

Wait, did Bon Jovi do birthday party gigs?

Now bizarre, tacky videos are nothing new on the interwebz. Sites like Seanbaby.com and Everything is Terrible have been lampooning 80s insanity for years. So, as I rip them off, just keep in mind I’m trying expand my readership.. when I reach anywhere those levels, I’ll worry more about originality.

Anyway, the point is I can provide some context to the asinine 80s videos floating around out there. Present days everyone having access to video capability isn’t news. Even forgetting about affordable HD camcorders and flip cameras, most people don’t even use the video capability of their cell phones, which actually record with decent quality (This will go down as the golden age of amateur porn)

I'm a STAR

But in the early 80s something happened that really led to an explosion in videos. VCRs became affordable and accessible, and cameras could record video without film having to be developed or fed live through a TV station. Video rental stores popped up everywhere, and with them the “special interest” sections, which had PSA videos, exercise videos, and other forms of crap.

It’s why there are Angela Lansbury exercise/softcore porn videos and Dirty Dancing instructional videos narrated by sex offenders. So for my first offering in a weekly series (except when I’m too lazy to post) we’ll introduce a lady who has become the standard bearer for 80s insanity. Crazy exercise face lady. This woman obviously had some success with these, because I have found multiple uploads from multiple people, some of which say they had the original VHS tape..meaning someone bought it! That’s rad, and that’s why the 80s were a special time. But more of that later.. for now.. enjoy a titillating bit of 80s insanity, Crazy Exercise Face Lady.

“M”.. as in Murder. I want to murder this puppet to death


The above is courtesy of Peppermint Park, an obscure 80s-era freakshow for kids, now made (in)famous thanks to the internet.

When my sister and I were kids, we were subjected to this kind of shit daily, as our parents enrolled us in “after school care,” which promised fun and activities, but usually involved us all being herded into a room and stuck in front of a TV for 3 hours. Now I don’t recall if we watched this show exactly, but we were definitely subjected to similar forms of swill. My mom will swear we enjoyed King’s Creek After School & Day care, but all I remember is being bored out of my skull and surrounded by kids who smelled like sour milk and urine. Getting picked up at 6 was like parole, and I remember my parents being real chummy with the employees.. I couldn’t articulate it at the time but I desperately wanted to scream: DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING BORED I AM HERE??

But, I was mature enough to understand that my parents worked long hours, and Kings Creek After School was preferable to say, After School arts and crafts with the neighborhood rapist. So, I endured, but grew incredibly resentful of children’s programming. I still am.

Video fun Facts: Some of what this deranged puppet says is batshit insanity, and I’d love an explanation.

“How would a cow go moo without a slalom?”

“the one important letter in momentemum.”

Also, at one point Ernie laments that without the letter M, there would be no “mumps, measles, or monsters.” What kind of sick fuck are you, Ernie?