More Bro-Wisdom from the Bro-Bible


In a recent post, I detailed how the Bros at BroBible.com wanted to prepare you for sex with a woman as if such an act was analogous to wrestling with hungry alligators. While it was surely sage advice, the same audience of shut-ins with severe brain trauma apparently need more advice, so there’s a write-in column. Sort of like Dear Abby for retards. Let’s have a look, shall we?

 

 

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From the April 30,2013 edition:

 

Q: I need a male perspective to solve a debate between my friend and I (we’re both girls).

She claims that given the choice between a loud, boisterous, sexy chick who loves to drink and fuck and is fantastic at both and will let their man go completely wild, but can sometimes be sloppy, bitchy, skanky, and generally not classy and gross, or a calm, elegant, mature, classy, wifely, sandwich-making, girl-next door who will always support them, but is a total prude who hates sex, sucks in bed, and will rarely let them touch her, any bro would go for the latter because she’s “marriage material” and more “worthy” of staying with, because she’s “better” for him.

I say they’d think with their dicks and go for the slutty one who’s more likely to fuck ’em.

Who’s right?

 

I do like how right off the bat the Bros throw us for a curveball and publish a question conjured up by the combined intellect of two (supposed) women. Now let me first explain that what saves me from giving up and praying for Armageddon is the assumption that this site is satire, or semi-serious, but fake. It’s just not feasible that real people think, let alone say shit like this in real life.

Assuming for a second the “question” is legit, which it isn’t, these women, and ostensibly, the men they are trying to attract, see the world in a simple dichotomous prism; wherein women are either wild, raunchy, whorishly-dressed nymphomaniacs or, if even outwardly demure, wear chastity belts and pray for lifelong abstinence.

This notion is so incredibly stupid, naive, and insulting, it’s a wonder the internet itself doesn’t become self-aware and refuse to allow this page to exist. Yet here it stands, and I hate myself a bit for supplying it with a web hit.

Anyway.. onto the given “advice” for these fine ladies’ query:

 

A: Well, shit. You’re both right. Kind of. 

I don’t care what anyone says, dudes love chicks with overflowing cleavage, defunct morals, painted on dresses, 17-inch heels and a vegetable drawer full of stinky cucumbers at home. If we didn’t, porn would look a fuckload different, wouldn’t it? Hell, I can’t remember the last time I fapped it to some wholesome-looking girl because that last time never happened. 

/remembers to clear browser history 

The thing is, though, when you peel back the layers of makeup and filth OR you sober up, the vast majority of these “leave nothing to the imagination” type chicks are abominable. Sure, she is still perfect in that she is turned on by your audible farts, but this is certainly not the kind of broad you would want to be seen with in daylight.

So while we want the dirty, sexy girls, we don’t necessarily want to wake up next to them for the rest of our lives. And since you’ve given me no middle-ground option to choose from in this wildly lopsided scenario you provided, then I think a majority of us, who aren’t bikers, rappers, or greased-up Guidos would choose the classy prude. At least with them, you can be seen in public.

 

See, this is where the site rides a fine line.. If it is satire, then it’s actually kinda funny. But if it isn’t, I’m going to kill myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At least during the last part the advice-giver acknowledges these women have given no middle ground where actual human beings exist, but goes on to advise that most “Bros” would choose “the prude,” while throwing in some racial epithets for good measure.

 

Next Question:

 

Q: A good friend of mine asked if she can used my computer to check her email in class. When I got home I noticed that she left her email open. After a quick glance I found a few sex videos and nudes pictures of her. Which I downloaded and saved.

She is a hard 10 and everyone in this city is over her like crazy, and to make matters better she is on the verge of becoming a cheerleader for an NFL team.

Should I share the pictures with all the bros? Keep em for personal enjoyment? Or sell them?

 

I don’t know about you, but I just hate it when my female NFL Cheerleader friends use my computer and forget to log out of their email, leaving me to access all of their self-shot porn videos and whatnot. Don’t they realize how much browser cache space that takes up on my disk? So.. advice? Violate my “friend’s” privacy and sell her personal videos for profit, or just furiously maturate to them?

 

A: Well, most fantastic friend earth has ever seen, since you seem deserving let me see if I can help you out.

Your opener was basically, “A good friend of mine needed a favor so naturally I helped her out. NO BIG DEAL. I’m a great guy like that,” which no longer seems sincere after you closed by telling us you took her property and you’re thinking about parlaying that theft into personal profit. Not to mention all the jerking off you’ve probably done to her videos between now and the time you actually stole them.

Best friend ever? You’re running unopposed if you ask me.

In any event, I don’t moonlight at fucking Legal Zoom, so I have no idea if anything you’ve already done, or intend to do, is illegal. And although she left it open on your computer, the law might see jacking her files as theft. For Christ’s sake, people find lost iPhones these days, decide to keep them as their own, and get accused of stealing. Like it’s their fault some guy left it sitting on the toilet paper dispenser during his shit break.

If I were you (see: a used condom) I’d look into the legality of what I’ve already done before I do anything else. I’d also think about what leaking these sex-vids would do to this so-called friend of yours. Just because she won’t fuck you (I mean, if she would, you wouldn’t even be considering any of this) doesn’t give you carte blanche to ruin her life.

 

Well I’ll be damned, some advice that sounds like it wasn’t penned by someone who’s criminally insane. Just a troll job? A little nugget to make the reader believe the act a bit? Doesn’t really matter, because the advice to someone who if they exist is clearly criminally insane will fall on deaf (and insane) ears.

 

Neeeeeeeeext:

 

Q: I’ve been going through a classic rock phase recently and have stumbled across Fleetwood Mac. Now in my opinion they’re a great band, but I’ve made deeper cuts into Stevie Nicks solo career. Is it bro to rock out to a female rock star or should I stick to my guns of Fleetwood Mac as a whole?

 

Hmm.. curious one. I guess what this guy was expecting to hear may have been something like:

 

“Oh my fucking god are you serious, queer-boy? I’m actually surprised you managed to write an email with that many cocks in your mouth. Stevie Nicks Solo??? Tell you what.. Go down to the thrift shop and buy a dress, shave your legs, and head downtown to find the gay bars. Triumphantly kick open the door and announced you’ve come out, and have 20-something years of lost cock-swallowing to catch up on. Oh, and also, YOU’RE GAY!! Fucking Stevie Nicks.. Jesus Cunt-smashing Christ..”

 

What he actually said was:

 

A: Fuck it, Bro. If Stevie Nicks sends good vibes into your dickhole and her lyrical styling cuts deep in to your soul, roll with it. Thunder only happens when it’s raining, ya heard?

 

Ok, well my fantasy answer was actually quite a bit more coherent than whatever language that was. Also, in all seriousness, solo Stevie Nicks? Yea dude, you’re probably gay.

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I Hate Movies pt. I


bridesmaid director lucas mike bay

 

Why bother with another pop-culture bitch-fest? Because I really used to enjoy going to the movies.. and now, I don’t. Growing up a significant part of my childhood involved going the theater and seeing stuff like: Ghostbusters, The Goonies, Weird Science, Vacation, and so forth. And I still enjoy these films, and not merely because it’s all Vintage Store-ironic and reminiscent of my childhood, but because these are endearing, well-made movies that have aged well. And no, none of these examples are amazing, revelatory works of cinematic art. They’re just good, fun, well-made movies with well-developed characters and simple, easy to follow story arcs. And of course maybe I’m just becoming the embodiment of Dana Carvey’s SNL Grumpy Old Man with all this shit. If so, enjoy anyway.

 

Flibbity Floo

 

I guess it took what a self-absorbed semi-hipster would call “introspection” to explain why for the past 10 years I could list off all the times I went to the movie theater on less than my 10 fingers. It sure sounds like arthouse dickery to proclaim that modern film-making has become formulaic schlock…  pandering attempts to reel in the widest audience possible, coherent story-telling be damned. But a recent slate of “indie” movies are some of the worst offenders, offering their own brand of pointless formula and cliches that offer infinitely more style over substance (How many n’er-do-well 30 something protagonists with existential crises do we need?)

 

2 words… Fuck… You

 

But enough with the pseudo-intellectual justification for my avoidance of movies. Here’s why they suck, very simply put:

1) Shitty, self-absorbed characters

Red Letter Media hit the nail on the head in the very first 5 minutes of the very first Star Wars Prequel review (yea, I’m going here again) in explaining why it was impossible to emotionally connect with these movies. The characters fucking sucked. Was there anything remotely relatable about Qui-Gon fucking Jinn? Sarcastic and bored Obi-Wan? Natalie Portman with a weird British robot voice? That annoying kid playing Anakin? Need I mention cocksucking Jar-Jar?

 

Meesa fuck your eye sockets with schlock

 

Maybe unless you’ve been lobotomized, it should be pretty obvious that Storytelling 101 involves a character or characters one can relate to and then invest into emotionally. So who does anyone relate to in any of the 3 prequels? Even my friends who claim they actually liked these films can’t answer that question. It’s because it can’t be answered, because the characters suck.

The SW prequels are an extreme example, but it’s part and parcel of way too many recent movies.. particularly ones geared at young people, which is troubling on many levels. For instance:

The “Paranormal Activity” movies. I’ve now seen the first 3 of these, and several knock-off straight to DVD versions. (which incidentally, are basically impossible to tell apart because of the very convenient dirt-cheap productions costs of this style of “movie”) The first one was clever and different, kinda, if you forgot Blair Witch. But then since it was successful –  and oh joy – cheap as all fuck to produce and cast, they now crank out the same shot again and again in form of sequels, offering basically nothing new from the 1st one.

 

This is so exciting I’m not sure I can contain my bowels..

 

While I was mildly entertained by the 1st one, I was bored stiff from the rest. And there are 500 reasons, not the least of which is that literally 90% of these movies involves watching home security camera footage of literally nothing, waiting for the next startle to occur.

But they could be at least a bit more compelling if you cared about the characters. And I guess maybe you kinda do, a little, in the 2d one, because it involves little kids and kids in movies are generally innocent, if gratingly fucking annoying. But the rest are upper-middle class suburbanites that prattle on about suburbanite shit like new sedans and needless crap their kids want them to buy. None of which is central to the plot. Really compelling shit.

That doesn’t even get to the horrific slate of rom-coms and raunch comedies. Where vapid, self-centered, mean-spirited one dimensional characters are celebrated. And that’s troubling. Are Bridesmaids and The Hangover movies popular because these insipid child-like narcissistic assholes portrayed on-screen somehow connect to these large audiences? What about Adam Sandler films, where cruelty, racism, and physical harm at the expense of others is celebrated like fucking Christmas?

 

When my shrink asks why it is I seldom venture outside my house, I cite the example that this man is considered by millions of Americans to be “funny”

 

Keep in mind I’m not even talking about the pathetic scripts, plots, and bad acting. Just the very nature of the characters. I’ll get into very specific examples of why characters and character development is so important, citing 2 legendary modern films, and comparing them to, yes I am fucking going here again, the good old Star Wars prequels. Then I will follow-up this new (I just decided) “Fuck Movies” series with explanations of why bad scripts, bad blocking, and cheap production keep me away from the theater. As if you cared.